Therapy, Marriage Counseling, 1:1 Coaching + Virtual Parenting Programs/Memberships
Welcome back!
This is the 3rd of 3 episodes breaking down the vast array of parenting resources we have at our fingertips. Today we’re talking: personal therapy, marriage counseling, one-off or 1:1 parenting coaching, and virtual parenting programs / memberships.
For each, I break down the family that resource is BEST for, the benefits it provides, the unique Pros and Cons of utilizing that support vs. another, and ultimately, for some, the way they fall short.
IN THIS EPISODE I SHARED:
- What a therapist will never tell you
- Why 1:1 coaching actually takes LONGER to see results
- The nuance missing from programs developed 50+ years ago
DON'T MISS:
- The program that has it *all* if you are still looking for a breakthrough
// MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE //
- Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.)
- Nonviolent Communication (N.V.C.)
- Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (S.T.E.P.)
- Active Parenting
- Triple P (Positive Parenting Program)
- How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk
- Positive Discipline
- Love and Logic
- Dare to Discipline
// CONNECT WITH DANIELLE //
Website: parentingwholeheartedly.com
IG: @parent_wholeheartedly
APPLY: parentingwholeheartedly.com/apply
START HERE:
CALM + CONFIDENT: THE MASTERCLASS
Master the KIND + FIRM Approach your Strong-Willed Child Needs WITHOUT Crushing their Spirit OR Walking on Eggshells
*FREE* - www.parentingwholeheartedly.com/confident
TRANSCRIPT
Danielle Bettmann 0:04
Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood, I mean. Have too much anxiety and not enough patience? Too much yelling, not enough play? There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right, but this is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you, you feel like you're screwing everything up, and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud - this podcast is for you.
Danielle Bettmann 0:38
This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann, and each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real, showing her insecurities, her fears, her failures, and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you that you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough, and you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds, somehow sneak away, and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend, we're so glad you're here.
Danielle Bettmann 1:14
Hey, it's Danielle, your Positive Discipline Certified Parenting Coach for strong-willed kids ages two to 10. I am so glad you're here. I help defeated parents find validation, support, and proven techniques to parent their strong, willed kids with composure, connection, confidence, and cooperation through a four-month group coaching program based on the Wholehearted framework I've developed over years of working with families one-on-one. And if you've just found the podcast, I'm so sad for you. It is wrapping up. This is episode 197, and we are making it to 200, and that is going to wrap up the five-year anniversary for the podcast and the 200th episode, but it will still exist even when we're not sharing new episodes. So you can go to failingmotherhood.com, view our playlist of most listened to episodes, and find out where to start if you have a strong-willed child and you're in the right place. I am still offering coaching and resources, and exist beyond this podcast, so you can always go to parentingwholeheartedly.com to find out what help there is and how you can connect with it.
Danielle Bettmann 2:23
So this is part three of a three-part series on all of the parenting resources you have access to in this day and age, and there are so many more resources than before, which is amazing. And we know that with most good things, too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. So, how do you sort through it all, and when you know you need help, where do you start? In the first episode of this series, we talked about parenting content, self-paced parenting courses and books, and local in-person parenting classes. Last week, we talked about occupational therapy, parent-child interaction therapy, which is PCIT, play therapy, seeing a child therapist, and seeing a psychologist. And now today, as we wrap up this series, we are talking about marriage counseling and personal therapy, one-off or one-on-one parenting coaching, as well as virtual parenting classes and memberships.
Danielle Bettmann 3:26
So for each of these, we are breaking down the time, place and family that that resource is best for, and then we compare and contrast the unique pros and cons of utilizing that support, and we share for parents that end up needing more than just that resource, the things that they end up realizing as they dive in. So let's go ahead and get started.
Danielle Bettmann 3:54
The first up is marriage counseling and therapy. Now marriage counseling is best for when a family or a couple is struggling in their relationship with a fundamental disconnect, ideological differences in their priorities and values, when there is a lack of respect, struggles with setting boundaries, managing conflict, or the same conflict over and over and over, struggles to communicate, or stress overall from outside, really affecting the relationship and making it difficult to function on a day to day basis, if It's affecting the mental health of either party, and they don't seem to be able to break through on their own.
Danielle Bettmann 4:46
Marriage counseling is a fantastic resource. Now, comparing that with personal therapy, that is best for when an individual either within that family or relationship is needing to work through past trauma, when they are wanting to build more self awareness and self esteem, when they have some goals of working on themes of co-dependency in their life, they're wanting to navigate harmful relationship dynamics within their family, extended family or romantic partnerships, when they really want to work on healing their inner child, or they just need a safe outlet to process a lot of negative emotions from circumstances in everyday life, currently and from the past. Now, make sure you hear me say, I really don't think there is a person who cannot benefit from therapy, and a marriage that cannot benefit from marriage counseling. I think they are fantastic resources. I wish they were even more accessible and affordable so we could all dive in and out of them in seasons that just really need extra support.
Danielle Bettmann 6:06
The main benefits of these resources are number one, depending on your plan, you may be able to use insurance to cover some of these services, and also, depending on the programming, they can be accessed virtually, which is fantastic. Thank,s COVID, for that. Therapy can uncover and build awareness of the roots of the disconnect that you're experiencing in your relationships, the patterns of miscommunication that you can overcome, and also become much more aware of triggers and patterns of your behavior and others.
Danielle Bettmann 6:48
It can offer and teach some coping strategies, cognitive behavior therapy, helping you become aware of your mindset and how to show up differently day to day. They're able to offer new perspectives and ways of seeing things and tackling problems that you just cannot come up with on your own. And they can take this unbiased perspective and be able to really add to what you have been working on yourself, pairing that with your good intentions. And I really think that while you can benefit more in some seasons of life than others, I think it's a great resource that you can often pair with even more future-focused coaching.
Danielle Bettmann 7:37
So for parents that end up needing more than just parent counseling or personal therapy, what they will realize is often, after talking things through on a marriage counseling session or with your personal therapist, you will be able to gain perspective and insight, and you may be able to change some of your behavior. However, when it comes to parenting related issues that are sending you there, you will often be left wondering, but what do I actually do, either in the moment or to actually stop this pattern of behavior with my child, because more than likely, they will not advise you on new scripts to use ways to change your discipline or have any next steps for you to get one step ahead into preventative mode rather than just reactive mode, and often that leaves you stuck playing back the same type of Groundhog Day and vicious cycle as you did yesterday, tomorrow.
Danielle Bettmann 8:52
You may be much better able to identify your triggers, and they may bother you less when your child screams at you, or when they yell no, or you know, the things that maybe were patterns from your childhood, like messes, you may really be able to start to do important work on becoming aware of those triggers and having them bother you less and the lack of cooperation will remain. The messes will still exist, the yelling 'no', back at you, the perceived disrespect, you know, those problems will remain, even if and when you're doing that work on yourself.
Danielle Bettmann 9:40
Now, two other problems that may come up for some families with therapy. One is they may take too clinical of an approach, or aren't speaking from experience in their own real life, whereas you're asking for help with situations that, you know, maybe that therapist doesn't have children of their own, so their advice is too oversimplified, or they just simply aren't able to relate and understand what you're going through and the complexity and the nuance and the overwhelm, the over stimulation, and be able to really speak to what you need to hear, because they may not have kids themselves, they may not be married themselves, you know, you never know.
Danielle Bettmann 10:28
And they take too clinical of an approach, and they speak to things of what to do in a way that just simply doesn't connect with what you're experiencing day to day. It may sound great, but when it comes to actually implementing it, it just doesn't compute; it doesn't translate. It doesn't make sense from a day-to-day perspective. Because textbooks are one thing, real life is another, right?
Danielle Bettmann 10:57
The last problem that families can run into is that one partner can be adverse still in 2025 to the idea of counseling or therapy if they grew up in a home that perhaps demonized the idea of therapy, or they had a really bad experience in the past, and that can really put a stigma on it that is hard to overcome if you are the partner of that person, and you're really feeling like this is the path forward that's aligned with the support you need, and they just won't entertain the idea or go in the door.
Danielle Bettmann 11:37
Now, again, these pros and cons are not going to be experienced by every family. I'm just showing the new ones of who can benefit and some of the ways that it can fall short, so that you have even more clarity on what is the right next step for your family, and is it aligned, and will we run into a wall or feel stuck on the other side of all of this effort, energy and resources invested?
Danielle Bettmann 12:05
So that is marriage counseling and therapy. Now we're going to move into the second segment, which is one-on-one parenting coaching, or one-off parenting coaching. Now, in my opinion, I offer one-off sessions or one-on-one coaching with established clients. As a graduate of my programs, you have access to book an a la carte one off session with me while we work together and beyond into the future a la carte, because I have found that one on one sessions are best for families that are following up on and building upon issues with an established foundation, rapport in a relationship already with a coach, and being able to utilize common language and a process that is already integrated, established and implemented. From there, we can really make the most of both of our time by diving into what's left, what's new, what's the latest curve ball, or what's the exception to the rule that isn't fitting into everything that we have already set in in stone, and, you know, is already working.
Danielle Bettmann 13:31
So I have found that the conversations that it works best for is when you are needing to individualize another level, bring in more nuance, need more privacy and have a truly unfettered, extended opportunity to get on the same page as a couple processing things in real time together within that extra safety net of that private container. So when families seek out one on one coaching, which I did for years, so I, you know, was able to really see how that helped and where it fell short. And for families that end up coming across a parenting coach on Instagram and then booking like a one-off call, right? Just like a one-hour, and that's it. Here are some of the ways that they stay stuck or that it falls short, and parents who end up needing more than that find and realize number one, one of the biggest problems is when there's not an established set of curriculum and modules to make the most of your time and kind of set in stone the prerequisites that lay the foundation for all of the advice to fall into and integrate with. Then instead the pressure is on the client to know what they don't know, and ask the right questions, to pull the right insight that they need out of the coach, especially in a very short amount of time, like that one hour, or that one hour that they have every week or two that they are meeting one on one, they have to do all of the prep work before that hour in order to make the most of that time. Otherwise, it's just a vent session, or they just start kind of narrating and like walking around in circles and not knowing what support or what question they're even asking, and then they don't get the answers they need, because it's their job to then pull it out and really know what they don't know, which is impossible, right? We don't know what we don't know. That's the problem. And oftentimes our problems are so close to our face and our day-to-day that we're not able to zoom out and have an unbiased perspective and be able to know how to turn it on its side.
Danielle Bettmann 16:08
What I have realized is many times on coaching calls the question that a client poses is not actually the question that ends up being answered, because I ask follow up questions, and with more digging, I end up revealing a much bigger or deeper problem and question that the client wasn't able to see right off the bat, because, again, it's so close to their face, it helps so much to be able to zoom out, and often what we can't see from our situation we end up seeing when we watch another family be coached, hear them ask their questions, share their example, their situation, narrate their experience from yesterday, and then it's so much more obvious, and we can go, oh yes, okay, now I see how that applies. I couldn't see how it would apply to my situation, but for theirs, it totally makes sense, and now I can take my situation and look at it from that angle. It is really empowering and transformative when you're not solely relying on your own perspective.
Danielle Bettmann 17:20
When you do one-on-one coaching or one-off coaching, progress is a lot slower. You would think it would be a faster approach, because you can just dive into I know what I need to know. Let me ask those questions, put out those fires, and then I'll be good. However, two things end up happening. Either you end up needing multiple solutions to one problem, because there are several catalysts, several things happening at once, and you have to play Whack a Mole, and instead of cutting that problem off at its source with a new foundation entirely, you just try to hit with duct tape all of the holes on the problem, and you end up needing a lot more duct tape. It takes more time to keep playing Whack a Mole and hitting every angle of when it's a problem, rather than just solving for the root of the problem. It's like deciding at the beginning to either renovate in the short term, the kitchen so you just keep trying to, like, you know, fix one thing when it stops working, or paint over one, you know, area of chipping paint, and it keeps chipping because it's still there underneath. Or you make that conscious decision from the get-go to do a total gut and have a much more effective long-term strategy, because then the problems are solved for good.
Danielle Bettmann 18:57
So it takes longer, because you have to play Whack a Mole many more times to put out all the angles of the fire. And it takes time to reinvent the wheel for every single family, because I have been doing this now for six years. I can answer your questions before you ask them, before you even think about them. I'm able to put them into words before you have the words, and I streamline that by giving you a download in Week One, rather than you ending up having to take up all of our face-to-face time having me give you that explanation then.
Danielle Bettmann 19:43
it just takes longer when it's on you to decide the pace and the order of the information, rather than it making the most of both of our time by putting things in the most effective prerequisite order that speeds up momentum, building one to the next to the next, there is a process of streamlining that benefits both of us, and I have that down to a science now, so it just takes longer to do it without that.
Danielle Bettmann 20:16
And the last thing I'll add on this is I've talked about this on the podcast before, many clients end up staying stuck when they only work with a coach one on one, because they harbor and hold on to guilt and shame because they don't have evidence that proves that they aren't the only one, that they're not actually the worst parent, that their child isn't actually going to be a bad person when they grow up. So they harbor resentment. They hold on to frustration. They stay exhausted without a proper refilling of their tank, because they don't have solidarity and proof and evidence that normalizes their struggle and allows them to actually let go of some of what they have been truly fearing and believing.
Danielle Bettmann 21:14
And when you get in a room with other parents who are as committed to the process as you, learning the same tools as you, sharing in a very honest, vulnerable way with you, you can no longer hold on to that guilt and shame. And when I see a family, especially a mom, make a breakthrough in this area, then they're able to pick up so much more speed in their day-to-day outcomes, changing and changing for the better, rapidly, but without that one-on-one work, they will stay stuck.
Danielle Bettmann 21:51
And the last set of resources that we'll talk about is parenting classes that are virtual and that can be parenting course-type things and parenting memberships that have like workshops throughout the world of parenting classes that maybe aren't local in-person ones, but they are virtually held. There are a few core tenets where they have a very repeatable curriculum. They are typically taught by trainers who become certified in that methodology, and they typically are taught in spread-out segments over around eight to 12 weeks, for about two to three hours at a time. Now I compile the non-exhaustive list of parenting classes that fit these types of categories.
Danielle Bettmann 22:48
Number one: Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.), created by Dr Thomas Gordon, Non Violent Communication, Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (S.T.E.P.), Active Parenting, Triple P, which stands for Positive Parenting Program, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen So Kids Will Talk, Positive Discipline, Love and Logic and Dare to Discipline. I disagree most with those last two, just for what it's worth, Love and Logic and Dare to Discipline. Now, these were all created between 1970 and 1981.
Danielle Bettmann 23:34
Also adding in here, while we get into the pros and cons, virtual memberships that have access to workshops and maybe a Facebook group, all of the things that I mentioned for online courses, self paced courses, from the first episode, would apply to those as well, as well as for these virtual parenting classes. A lot of the things that I mentioned in my in-person classes could also apply. So we have some overlap in the Venn diagram here, right? But for the most part, these types of parenting classes virtually are best for a parent that is wanting to learn and grow and become and feel more qualified to parent in the way that they do a lot of training and undergo a lot of professional development in their day to day life, they really feel inadequate and ill equipped for what they're dealing with at home, and they know how influential it is, so they seek out these proven methodologies to be able to kind of undergo more developing, you know, personal development.
Danielle Bettmann 24:47
These types of programs are great to introduce basic concepts at the convenience of your own home, fitting into your schedule. They provide and share great information that can give light bulb realizations. They're often bite-sized lessons that are easy to digest. Most of the programs I mentioned offer healthy philosophies, new ways to communicate that can translate to life skills across the board. For parents, they offer good perspective, especially if you are learning with your spouse, and they provide what I would say is like the same amount of life changing results that you get from going to a professional development seminar in the corporate world, like hearing a speaker or a breakout session at a conference, it's great. You have a keynote, you have new insight, you learn something, and then you go back to day-to-day life.
Danielle Bettmann 25:48
I am certified as a parent educator in positive discipline. So I went through their certification to like be a trainer in that methodology, because it was the one that I ended up aligning with the most value-wise in my parenting philosophies and what worked at my house. However, I do not teach exactly the laid out curriculum parenting class that I was taught to teach, where it's like, you know, six weeks an hour each time you do this activity, this lesson, you know, send it home. Here's the handout. I got all those resources, and I'm able to use some of them with my current clients, and I'm able to integrate those explanations and maybe some of those visuals to better teach concepts and make me a better parenting coach, but that's not how I provide services currently.
Danielle Bettmann 26:47
So parents who end up needing more than those parenting classes and memberships, they end up realizing, typically, that strong-willed kids seem like the exception to every rule. When I end up discussing situations with clients, we get into the weeds with a lot of nuance, a lot of individualization, and really specific circumstances, a methodology that is widespread just simply can't speak to the same level of nuance. Of course, it can't be right?
Danielle Bettmann 27:27
The curriculum, for the most part, doesn't seem to cover parent triggers, coping methods for patience, or solving for the roots of the behavior, especially when it relates to the strong-willed child's motives of attention and control. The quote, unquote, best practices only get you so far. What's also interesting to me is that they were mostly developed between those years of 1970 and 1980, which, believe it or not, is 45 to 55 years ago. And I think you would agree that the world is a very different place for parenting in 2025. We really need new ones in this day and age, with regards to using technology as a tool, acknowledgement of the added weight of stress on parents shoulders post pandemic, the lack of village we have these days, a lot of both parents working full time, and the impact of neurodivergence and the strides we've made in understanding it over the last 10 years, if a methodology doesn't speak to or include those things, then it is going to do a disservice in its advice. And in the case of some memberships like Good Inside, which I'm sure that I agree with 95% of the advice inside there, it still doesn't have the level of depth that you might be craving. They are bite-sized lessons that you would find in a book. They are easy to digest, but they are still hard to individualize and implement when it comes down to those workshops, you are not learning about your child. You are not learning about your triggers. It is someone telling you, ideally, what to do, but not what not to say, or how to tweak what you've tried so it'll actually work. So you stay stuck again with more reasoning to be hard on yourself and feel defeated because you are spending so much time and energy trying to learn these things during nap time or after bedtime, and it's not making the difference you need. You so desperately need and want, but if the information is just a nice-to-have, then it's great for parents who are just finding a resource to help them feel a little bit more equipped.
Danielle Bettmann 30:08
So as we wrap up analyzing and documenting all of these resources while you parent over the 18-plus years of different kids, different personalities, different struggles, seasons, and problems, you may end up using 1,2,3, all of these resources at any one given point. And I want to empower you with the perspective to be able to understand when and what to use, and what is aligned with what you're looking for, and ultimately, what is the right next step for your family. And it might be any one of these resources you might need to go to individual therapy first, then go to marriage counseling, then take a parenting class, then enroll your child in play therapy. You know, like there might be all sorts of seasons that add up and serve you in different ways at different times.
Danielle Bettmann 31:15
If you are still looking, and you have almost exhausted all of these resources and still have not found what you're looking for to create the relationship with your child and the experience of parenting that you long for, and the culture in your home that you are not willing to settle for mediocrity, let alone misery then I want to encourage you to look into my group coaching virtual program, because it is the last stop, the last resource you will ever need to research, because it has it all and it has the depth of the support that you deserve. So if you were experiencing some of the symptoms that you would go to the resources we mentioned today for, as in wanting to learn and grow as a parent, struggling to regulate your own emotions, wanting to stop yelling, have more patience, wanting to learn the skills that you were never taught, so that you can teach your child, wanting to master the idea of gentle parenting without being permissive and walked all over and like an emotional punching bag,wanting to improve morale and the culture of your home and relationships like your marriage and the sibling dynamics in your house, so that everyone feels more peace and love, and most importantly, changing your experience of parenting from one of being absolutely exhausted, defeated, resentful, disengaging and losing hope to calm and confident and full of cooperation and like you have peace of mind that you're on the trajectory to where you want to be 20 years from now, wanting to feel like you have it all together more times than not, wanting to pull more good than bad out of your child and your memories and your moments - then consider my group coaching program. It is a three to four month program filled with families, a small group of families working through the process at their own pace alongside you, so you can learn from veterans, support new families behind you, have deep, vulnerable conversations with other moms and dads who get it like no one in real life does, and are there cheering you on every step of the way. The time commitment involves an average of 30 minutes a week spent on audio modules and then offering you two to three opportunities to join live recorded Q and A Zoom calls that you can watch the replays of and your enrollment includes a printed and shipped workbook full of printables and cheat sheets and scripts and visual references and resources so it helps you learn and grow even faster, alongside unlimited written support via Q and A inside a small resource library community, so that you never stay stuck waiting for support. Upon graduation, you're invited to join an optional month to month membership, just for alumni of the program, with access to me on speed dial inside a separate Q and A community with access to twice a month live Q and A calls to maintain the progress you've made and come back for more support when you need it.
Danielle Bettmann 34:40
Now, the main con is that you're not able to use insurance to invest in this, and it does take a sacrifice of commitment for your time and your energy, and your resources in the short term for the long-term benefit of your family and your child.
Danielle Bettmann 35:00
The pros are that there's no wait list, there's no commute, and there's no direct child involvement. There's no pressure to medicate or label. You manage your stress first, then give yourself skills to manage behaviors and strengthen your mindset, and then unlock the connection with your child that you always wanted all along. It's comprehensive and immersive. You, as the parent, are in control of your progress, where you know exactly what it looks like to know if you're on track. Train your brain with recognition of wins, keeping you going in the marathon. You can grade yourself by self-assessment, not by your child's behavior. You're able to customize and adapt your journey by accessing needed bonuses at any time and asking your most pertinent questions. First and foremost, your experience of parenting is transformed as your confidence soars. It's designed to maximize your time and effort through digestible, repeatable micro modules. The teaching includes only the critical game changers, not a lot of time spent on philosophy or the past. You work back to back weeks to create momentum and accountability, making it more likely, much more likely, to complete it, and you can ride on the curtails of others ' progress and momentum, and hope on the hard days or weeks. It teaches you specific strategies for your exact goals and struggles for your child, it equips your partner alongside you the whole way, which is rare and critical, you can crowdsource invaluable insight, solidarity, validation, and support. It provides a number of unlimited individualized solutions, and combining it with a committed, safe environment, the relationships with like-minded people who get it, and the vulnerability they bring forth, it is truly transformational.
Danielle Bettmann 36:55
So if you are still looking for the resource for you, watch the free master class first with your partner - Calm and Confident, mastering the kind and firm approach your strong, willed child needs without crushing their spirit or walking on eggshells at parentingwholeheartedly.com and then apply to learn more and have an interview call to answer all of your questions so I can meet you both, and we can decide together if it's the right fit to work together. The level of support you have been longing for and deserve is out there. I can't wait for you to see how good things can get on the other side, and let's make better days inevitable together. I believe in you and I'm cheering you on.
Danielle Bettmann 37:42
Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Failing Motherhood. Your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now and share it in your Instagram stories and tag me. If you're loving the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help more moms know they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood daily, and if you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong willed child and invest in the support you need to make it happen, schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you and I'm cheering you on.
