I want OFF the Meltdown Merry-go-Round!
From 3 meltdowns/DAY to 2/WEEK! THAT'S A 90% DECREASE!
Parents of 2 kids ages 3 + under, Jaclyn + Ryan, are SPILLING THE BEANS - sharing all sorts of insider secrets, insight and advice after graduating my program, Wholeheartedly CALM!
I pick their brain, digging for what takeaways stuck with them, how their mindset shifted, and how different life is now, including NO LONGER walking on eggshells.
IN THIS EPISODE, WE COVERED...
- The "Game-Changers" they attribute their success to
- What they thought it'd be like VS. What it was
- The mantras bouncing around in their heads to this day
DON'T MISS:
- The term they coined for me! :)
// CONNECT WITH DANIELLE //
IG: @parent_wholeheartedly
APPLY: parentingwholeheartedly.com/apply
FREE CONSULT: wholeheartedly.as.me/call
GAME CHANGER: THE MASTERCLASS
You're invited to my 100% FREE Parenting Class teaching you the ONE tool that UNLOCKS cooperation in strong-willed kids and STOPS a meltdown before it starts!
LIVE: Tuesday, July 11th - 11 AM Pacific / 1:00 PM Central / 2 PM Eastern
SAVE YOUR SEAT:
www.parentingwholeheartedly.com/game-changer
TRANSCRIPT:
Ryan 0:00
I had to change my mindset that you know what she's doing, she's not doing this because she's a bad kid or I'm a bad dad, like this behavior is communication. And once I learned that she's trying to communicate with me, then I need to learn how to communicate with her where the kind and firm comes in. I'm gonna give her kindness, but I'm also going to be firm like, Honey, I know that you don't want to go to the park right now, I know you don't want to have fun. I really want to have fun. But you know what? And so that's, that's the kindness part. But there's also but you know what? Your Mom's leaving. And this is what's happening. You're going with mom to the park, and you're gonna have an awesome time. What do you think you're gonna do at the party thinks you have swing sets there? Do you think there's been mud you can jump in? It's like, being that that kindness and that firmness and just realizing she's trying to communicate with me, and I need to get down to communicate with her
Danielle Bettmann 0:52
Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood, I mean? Have too much anxiety and not enough patience. Too much yelling, not enough play. There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right. This is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you. You feel like you're screwing everything up. And you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud. This podcast is for you. This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann. At each week will chat with a mom ready to be real. Showing her insecurities, her fears, your failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough. And you're not alone. I hope you've popped in earbuds somehow sneak away and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend, we're so glad you're here.
Hey, it's Danielle. This episode does not need much introduction. I have brought on some of my clients that I've worked with inside my group program Wholeheartedly CALM, Jaclyn and Ryan, they are parents to two little girls. And they have been so gracious to join me and I picked their brain like I was you. And I think that you're gonna get so much from this episode because it's so valuable to be able to hear firsthand a behind the scenes look at another family who's experiencing the same struggles you have. They are going to talk to you about what parts they liked and what they didn't, how it maybe wasn't exactly what they thought they were signing up for. And you know what things look like now that they have been done with it for a month or two and proves to you, you are not alone. And there is hope and there is answers and solutions and better days are inevitable when you commit to something like my program. So as a reminder, wholeheartedly calm is a group coaching program, where defeated parents find validation, support and proven techniques to parent their strong willed kids with composure, connection, confidence and cooperation. And if that is you, if you are ready to transform the culture of your home and your relationships inside it and feel like you're at your wit's end and I've tried everything else, then let's have a conversation. Listen to this interview all the way through, because I likely ask questions that you would have for Jaclyn and Ryan. And I feel like they offer so much wisdom towards the end. If you resonate with the things that they're saying and you want the outcomes and the results that they have. Then schedule your free consultation at the link in the show notes. It's wholeheartedly.as.me/call. And if you want more details about this program, you can go to parenting wholeheartedly.com and download my free training, unapologetic and authentic where I go in depth about my method and my framework, and you get a huge glimpse into getting to know me. And I highly recommend that as your first place to start with your partner other than sending them podcast episodes like this so that you can begin your journey as well. So without further ado, I really can't wait for you to hear our conversation. So here is Jaclyn and Ryan.
Welcome to Failing Motherhood. My name is Danielle Bettmann and on today's episode I am joined by a very special family... friend As I consider them at this point, Jaclyn and Ryan, and they have so graciously been willing to join me for an episode so that we can kind of give a behind the scenes look of what it's like to go through the program that I talked about all the time, Wholeheartedly CALM. And for them to be able to kind of just speak to the first person experience of what it's like to take on this work, and really face the facts and go through this process and kind of what they've learned and how they've grown. And I'm super proud of them. I feel like their results have been phenomenal, just being able to, like watch it in real time. But I'm gonna let them kind of like tell their story. And something weird is happening with my voice today. So if I if it cracks, some things, don't worry about it. I won't be doing most of the talking. I'm gonna let them kind of take the reins from here. But why don't you guys just introduce yourselves? Who are you? Who's in your family? And how did you end up finding me for the first time?
Jaclyn 5:59
So I'm Jaclyn, and this is Ryan. He's on here. Want to say hi.
Ryan 6:05
I'm Ryan.
Jaclyn 6:07
And then we have two girls. She we have Olivia, who's three and Savannah, who is now 10 months, almost 11 months. So in the thick of it. We live in Cincinnati, Ohio. And I found you by listening to this podcast, the Failing Motherhood. So it was referred to me recommended to me by one of my friends here, local who listened to it and I started listening to it. And I was just like, oh my gosh, she is speaking to me. Every single thing like this is my kid. This is my kid. This is my life. So it was just like I just resonated really well with the podcast, and all the different things you were talking about with strong-willed kids. And I was like, this is our child. This is our three year old and kind of, I think, sent you the podcast, Ryan, is how we kind of went down that route. And then you were talking about Wholeheartedly CALM and had an intro Call and the rest is history I guess.
Ryan 7:06
Yeah, I remember being the same way you sent me this because you'd mentioned the podcast before, but I had never listened to it. But we've talked about some of the concepts. And then you sent me the episode of talking about and just like, Yes, this is her. This is her this is uh, okay, we need to talk to this person a bit more. So you definitely spoke to both of us.
Danielle Bettmann 7:23
good. And it's so validating, to hear on paper what you feel like it has been going through your head and you know, you feel like you've been overthinking it or you feel like you're worried about things that you don't know if they are alarming. And it's just that it's a lot to take on when you feel like you're the only one with this kind of kiddo. But this is not like your first foray into a parenting resource, correct? No, take us through kind of what that looked like before you met me?
Jaclyn 7:53
Well, I was an elementary teacher, prior to my first child, so I left when I was pregnant with her. She was born March 2020, COVID, you know, major COVID endemic babies. That kind of changed my trajectory I left teaching was going to take a year off and then ended up staying at home with her full time and then now still do that. So I had, in my mind the skills of being a great parent and knowing how to you know, manage a classroom of 25 kids and thought I was golden. And then I was like, oh, no, this was a little different when it's your own kid. And it's just one and it's 24/7. And I'm tired and exhausted. And I'm not sleeping. It's very different. Because when I was a teacher, I didn't have kids. So like it was I went and I taught my eight hours I did my work and I left and that was it. But no, it's totally different when it's 24/7. So I kind of was researching on Instagram and following different accounts, parenting books, you name it, there's probably someone that shelf back there behind me. And trying to kind of find some solutions, some correct answer I wanted, like, this is it, this is how you do it. And that's there was no like one size fits all prescription. So then I'm thinking I was blending in a whole bunch of different modules and different techniques from different things. And it was not consistent at all for her, which will probably was further exacerbating because one day I'd try this and the next day I would try this and then I would tell Ryan like hey, we got to do this. We got to do that and like you're just kind of in the back seat like what if she changed it up? So it was a more me finding stuff and then trying to send to him and so we never really, really like on the same page. I don't think about stuff.
Ryan 9:57
Yeah and you'd send me something or I don't even try to did my own research but it was mostly you or not, and you'd send me something and we would read an article or a book or watch half of some online video course and, and what you took out of it. And what I took out of it were often different things. And so, yeah, we had the same source material. But we would maybe go about enacting that differently as well, which caused even more confusion and more pandemonium
Jaclyn 10:24
or we would try it. And we'd be like, This is what I was supposed to do. We're going by the page, this is what it says, and it's not working. Now, what do we do, and we didn't have like, an extra resource or you know, someone to talk through it with and when it wasn't working, which was so great about the wholeheartedly calm is like we had your expertise, Danielle, and then the cohort community of other parents going through it. But we're like, Well, we tried this, and this worked. And that part was just amazing to have.
Ryan 10:56
And thinking on that even farther is that we will be like following like all the books said to do it this way, we have to do it exactly like this. But my parent instinct tells me or this situation that I'm in, I don't think I need to, you know, figuratively throw the book at my kid right now. This This doesn't, this doesn't feel right. And like what Jaclyn said is being able to, you know, go through whatever happened, but then, at the Friday meeting, kind of process it with other parents about okay, here's what happened. And we were real about a lot of stuff, like, did anyone has anyone else encountered of, hey, maybe okay, that the book says one thing, but then maybe I shouldn't have done that. Or like, Okay, I decided to go to not do that. Anyone else feel this tension here? Because nothing's perfect. And parenting is far from far from being perfect.
Danielle Bettmann 11:47
Definitely. But that's a lot of pressure you put on yourself to do it, right? Or do right by your kid or to, you know, feel like yeah, there, you should have be reacting a certain way and feel like you can't or you don't have permission to work outside of that or individualize it. And what else do you do when you're just kind of stuck? Trying to talk to a one sided piece of information? Right?
Jaclyn 12:12
Absolutely.
Danielle Bettmann 12:13
And you're already you're already jumping ahead to like, all the goodness of our what we've done together, but like
Jaclyn 12:18
spoilers!
Danielle Bettmann 12:19
I know, talk for this a little bit longer about like what parenting felt like just a few months ago, and what that kind of looked like, you know, what was your day to day,
Ryan 12:32
It looked like chaos. I work from home. And so it's all four of us here together, and I'm in my office, and then, you know, I could hear yelling from somebody and then it's like, Okay, I gotta finish this meeting and run downstairs and see what's going on. And someone's in tears. Sometimes it's Jaclyn, sometimes it's one or more. And then so it just kind of like we were constantly I think the point is, like, we're constantly reacting to something is, you know, there would be a behavior what happened? And then it's like, Okay, what did X Y Z book, say or course say about this, it's like, trying to match up the behavior with something we had read about before. So it was constantly being reactive constantly, like you said, having that pressure having second guessing. And then also like Jacqueline and I being, you know, out of sync on things as well, which was, which was really hard, where, you know, she's in day to day, the thick of it, I come and clean up the pieces, whether I can be the fun dad or I'm the mean dad, but still being inconsistent in her and I'm not having again, we're, you know, reading materials or watching his videos where she's sending me articles and the way that I process and let's just say executed that, you know, that plan like that was different than was in her her vision. So that we were out of sync, but we didn't really realize it until someone's already on the floor in tears and like, oh, we we lost today. You know, just let's get everybody to bed. Let's get some rest. And maybe we can do better tomorrow. And of course, tomorrow is the same thing as today.
Jaclyn 14:01
Yeah, it's funny, because before we did this call with you, I kind of like went back into our notes and from our book from your course, and just kind of was like reflecting and like week one. It was like, what was parenting like right now. And we wrote "walking on eggshells," and I just remember that feeling so much of like, what am I going to do? That's going to set her off and like cause this huge tantrum screaming for you know, 45 minutes or an hour. And then it's like, we're just like, desperate to get it to stop. And it's just like, was so I don't know. There was just like this sense of intensity all the ways around the house and just kind of know, I feel like nobody could ever fully relax and calm. It was just okay, I know we have to leave the house to go to the grocery store. I know she doesn't ever Want to leave the house and like whenever we do these big transitions like leaving the house, that's when we are fighting about putting shoes on or getting dressed and brushing your teeth. It was just like the day to day stuff of just like, we have to go somewhere. And it's gonna be an hour long fight and ordeal to get out the house. And then it kind of was making me just like, I don't want to go, I don't want to do anything. And I'm like, but I don't want to go back to this life of not going anywhere, do anything we can finally like post COVID world kind of go back and do stuff. And then I'm like, Oh, I don't want to do it. Because I don't want to take her out anywhere. Leave and deal with the fight. Yeah, so it was kind of like that was then affecting me mentally of like, I need to get out of the house for my mental ID and my sanity. Being a stay at home mom, I'm just like, I have to go and get out at least once a day is like my goal is to try and get out. Some days we don't. But some days I'm like, I need to get out for me. But it was becoming I couldn't even do that for what I needed. Because I was so afraid of the chaos Rocking the Boat rocking the boat, and yeah, and it was bedtimes it was brushing teeth. It was dinnertime. I mean, you name it. snacktime gave her the wrong snack. I mean, whatever. You name it, it was very much walking on eggshells.
Danielle Bettmann 16:23
Almost sounds like you're held hostage in your own home. Yeah,
Jaclyn 16:26
yeah. Kind of, yeah, that way. She rents she was starting to run the show. And then I'm like, okay, she's, I think when we first actually came to you, she wasn't even three yet. Think she was going to be three and like a month or two. And I'm like, she's almost three, this is just gonna get worse if we don't get this under control. Now, this is gonna get worse. And she's starting preschool next year. How are we going to get her to preschool like, so that was like my mind. We gotta do something now before we're like, what do we do? What do we do? And it just gets worse and worse.
Ryan 16:59
So yeah, I think for that, like, it was said great that, you know, she kind of ran the show. And I know, for me, definitely, as a guy, and as a parent of like, my house is being ran by this little kid and like, my ego, and my pride, definitely, you know, got in the way and then you know, I would get angry about it. And so, being like, okay, you know, my Am I being a bad dad, am I just letting this little little kid who's just a fraction of my size? walk all over me? How? How can I allow this and I think we'll get we'll get to the course of I changing my mindset, on you know, these these behaviors. This is not I'm not a bad dad, she's not a bad kid. But I think before then it was definitely a lot of a lot of ego, especially for me in it as well.
Danielle Bettmann 17:42
Well, and that's, that's important to even acknowledge or have become aware of, because I don't know that a lot of listeners would even know that that's what's happening in their home right now. Or if we were to have talked, like five months ago, could you have even named that as a problem?
Ryan 18:01
That's a great question. I don't think I would have, I think it would just been, you know, this is how things are, you know, it's like when you're in it, you don't really, really realize what's going on and take a look back and like, oh, wow, that is how things work. That is how I was reacting or how I was thinking and just definitely, you know, hindsight is always 2020
Danielle Bettmann 18:19
for sure. For sure. So so to further kind of relate to the people that are where you were now. And how many meltdowns did you have? How long were they? What were some of your thoughts during them? Like just take us through a day in the life?
Jaclyn 18:35
Looking back I was we were doing probably like 10 or more meltdowns. I think a day well, maybe not a day, maybe a week? I don't know. Exactly. And it was at least twice a day at least I would say maybe three times. Again, the big transitions getting dressed, eating breakfast, putting shoes on go leaving the house, brushing your teeth, combing your hair, nap time, bath time. I mean, really like the big things that like you have to do. Yeah, and you don't want to do or even just leat like stopping playing to move on to something else or something it was in timers we try to still didn't matter with her.
Ryan 19:17
That whole PREP. tried that. didn't didn't really help,
Jaclyn 19:20
right. Yeah. But we had to get better at that on our own. But I think we were just feeling I know I was feeling like at my wit's end exhausted. I was. I don't know what to do. I felt so alone. I felt isolated. I felt like there was no one I could talk to no one understood. I feel like even just our parents like our generation, we are both blessed that we have great, wonderful parents. But the way they raised us and the way culture says to raise kids now and just you know, social media and like, you just see all these different influences of like, oh, you can do better. And like, I mean, we were products of the clean plate cup, for example of, you know, let's eat everything on your plate before you can leave the table. And now the research is saying, like, that's not really great. So for us to try and not have that, you know, mentality in our family and that upbringing in our family. Were like, starting from scratch, you know, kind of, of like, how do we do this, like we didn't have our parents to really go to for advice on things, because a lot of the times their advice or like, well, that's not really what research says is great. Like, I don't know, I mean, we turned out pretty good, I guess. So. There's some of that, but it's like, how, if there's a better way to do this, I don't know. Maybe we don't we probably still have our issues with food and finishing our plates, don't we.
Danielle Bettmann 20:57
Perfection is not the goal.
Jaclyn 20:59
But getting off on a tangent off subject.
Danielle Bettmann 21:03
Yeah. So what really kind of brought you to the brink? You said worrying about preschool in the fall, weren't feeling like you couldn't do the things that you needed for your mental health. Was there anything else that kind of pushed you to that point of like, we need to take action? We need to take it now. And like this might need to be a bigger investment or commitment than we were? We've done before.
Ryan 21:28
Yeah, I think the things that have already been mentioned, were definitely in there. Something only that was mentioned was getting ahead of, you know what, what I thought was, you know, her bad behavior. And we were talking about that more later. But getting getting ahead of this while she was you know, two and a half and three and not not waiting until she's she's 13 or 23. And like, okay, hey, we need to have an intervention, because like, once she gets to be a certain age, which is really not much longer from now, our influence is going to be greatly degraded, as should be, you know, she's grown up, you saw peers and everything, just so now getting ahead of the URL, and also getting honest with our first child is also while we're in the class, you know, we had a second child. And so making sure like, Okay, if we can, you know, if we can work with her, then you know, then we can also be in a better place for our second and you know, any other kids that could come after that.
Jaclyn 22:25
Yeah, preschool was a big thing that I was, like, worried about, and just getting ready for school and being able to have that, and then also the peace of having a second kid of like, oh, my gosh, soon, we're gonna have two of them. And if they're both like this, then what are we gonna do? Or I felt too as a mom that I was struggling with, here I am, I have this new baby at the time, you know, while all this has been going on for the last, i don't know, it was going on before she was her sister was born. But I think after her sister was born, it really ramped up the behavior. Yeah. And so then I'm torn of like, Here I am, I have this new baby, I should be spending time with her and giving her attention. And I'm over here trying to deal with this meltdown, or she has been exposed to the screaming tantrum for an hour. Like that can't be good for her little sister, either. So I think there was that whole other piece too, of like, what are we going to do? I'm a stay home mom with two kids. If they're both doing this, I'm already like losing it with one doing it. What am I going to do if two are doing it? And I was kind of like, Ryan, like, I need help. We gotta figure something out. Like I was about ready to be like, send me back to work, take them to daycare, they can deal with it, you know, like, yeah, it's kind of like, I'm, I can't deal with this any longer. I need help. I need a resource. I was at my wit's end. So it was kind of a no brainer there. I guess of this is like our last ditch investment effort. And if this doesn't work... I'm shipping you off to daycare!
Danielle Bettmann 24:13
No, I mean, like, all jokes aside, that's pretty serious. You know, like, one of the living was last episode that I shared, which would be probably a couple episodes ago, from when this airs was, you know, 10 things that parents of strong-willed kids are afraid to admit, one of them is I would rather go to work and be at work then be around my kid and this, you know, situation or, or dealing with things I'm dealing with right now. And that's the reality. And, of course, you're gonna feel like that because you feel way more competent. Like you know what you're doing, and have a sense of accomplishment and get your needs met at a place that is set up for you that you've had years of training in that thing, right. But we also know that these years are short and you made that decision to you know, be either primary caregiver right now. And that feels probably like another sense of failure to basically say like, Oh, I couldn't do it. So that's a, you know, it's small thought that thought is a symptom of like a way deeper thing that a lot of parents deal with. So I'm glad that you mentioned that even though it's like, yeah, you know, we hate to hate to say that. But that's, that's what kind of brings you to that place. Yeah.
Jaclyn 25:23
Yeah, And then I would feel guilty for feeling that because like, Here I am, we're blessed enough that I can stay home and I don't want to stay home because I don't want to deal with it like, yeah, so then you feel the guilt for even those feelings and it just snowball effects, which probably, then I translate in realize that I'm holding on to that. And then I'm taking that into my parenting and conversations with her and my reactions with her instead of, it's really not all her, it's a lot of me. That's what we learned.
Danielle Bettmann 25:57
So you were sort of listening to the podcast? How did you bring it up with Ryan? Or bring him into the conversation? Because I get a lot of DMS, from people about like, I haven't even you know, I'm interested. I even told my husband about it or brought it up. And I'm just afraid, you know, they're not going to be open to it. And how'd that go between the two of you?
Ryan 26:18
think I just shared the podcast link with you in a text. And I was like, Here, listen to this. And I think I just kept doing it, and eventually listened. I don't know it didn't take that long. I don't think for you to actually listen, because you have a job where you listen to podcasts a lot of times.
Yeah, you sent me several episodes. I don't think I did watch or listen to everyone you sent. But now I'm a avid podcast listener. And so I would listen to him. I know. And I was like that one that Jaclyn mentioned. I wish I could remember which episode it was exactly. But it was like, yeah, that's her. That's her. That's us. Yeah, that's that like, Was
Danielle Bettmann 26:54
it like the 13 daily struggles? Or?
Ryan 26:57
I? If I went way back in the messenger, you're probably that's okay. Yeah, it was just kind of I think, you know, the podcast was definitely a great introduction to it. I've just like, Yeah, this is exactly what we're going through. And this sounds right. And then I forget, I think you mentioned I think Jaclyn did mention that like, Oh, hey, she also has a course let's check it out. And, and I was already mostly the way there for it. It's just like, Okay, well, this podcast exactly describes what we're going through this person, Danielle, definitely knows what she's talking about. And so I think that was a much easier as much easier sell on me because and maybe it also has to do with me working from home and I can't I you know, I'm upstairs in my office, but I can hear the fighting going on downstairs. I'm usually helping get them in and out of the car. And so like I'm, I'm there for it. So I think any relief that you know that that we could get it just as a family, any anything that we could put in our toolbox to help us I was I was on board for. So I think the podcast came at a perfect time where we were like, Okay, the last video online course that we tried, that didn't work. And we were already looking for our next thing. So we were I mean, we were already ready for it.
Danielle Bettmann 28:15
And what hesitations did you have with jumping in and making that commitment?
Jaclyn 28:19
I think the financial investment was just like kind of a lot because that's a lot more than, you know, the cheap little courses that we paid for before or buying a $20 book or something like whoa, okay, this is like a decent investment on money. And we're on one income, okay, how's this gonna work? What if we invest all this money and it doesn't work?! So I think that was probably our biggest hang up and hesitation. We were kind of like, well, what else are we gonna do? You know, we could either make this investment now or probably ended up having to pay for therapy years down the road or whatever, when she's a teenager or an adult and we screw her up completely. So we better get the help now.
Ryan 29:06
yeah, those are those are the conversations we were having. And that was really, for me, that was the only the only concern was with, you know, the cost of the course. But then I think kind of what Jaclyn's already said that really helped us was with the thought of, you kind of get what you pay for. Right? If you if you get a cheap $10 pair of sunglasses at the gas station, and they break well, I'm not surprised that they brought up but he said you know, a lot of money on a nice namebrand pair. And it's like, okay, I expect these to last a while I expect these to do what they're supposed to do and you know, hopefully hold up against more than just throwing them in a bag. And so it was kind of with that mentality of like, well, you know, what, what else do we have to lose other than money we can make more money. Time for us was kind of ticking like, Okay, well we need we need to intervene with you know, how we were parenting and how we were approaching things and so It's kind of with that we jumped into it.
Danielle Bettmann 30:02
Yeah. And I'm so glad you did, because that's the hardest part of it all.
So, big emotions from Little People are running the show at your house. Is that right? Do they fall apart when something doesn't go their way? Just once? Why can't they accept the fact that the answer is no, am I right? The struggle is real, you're not alone, and you're in the right place. When your days are filled with relentless push back, it is so hard to feel like a good parent, especially when you're in laws aren't shy and sharing how they think your kids just need a good spanking. Every time you lose it, when they lose it, you feel like a failure. The worst part is, without addressing the root of your child's behavior, you're doomed to play a fruitless game of Whack a Mole reacting rather than preventing the next conflict. And next time, nothing's gonna go differently. The good news is, when you have a handful of effective discipline tools in your pocket, you're able to step into full confidence as their parent, parenting actually becomes a whole lot easier. I promise, you're not failing them, you just need more tools. So if you have a tiny human, who's full of love, and yet so, so difficult, if you can only be so nice for so long. If you've tried everything and still feel defeated on the daily, I free class, authentic and unapologetic is for you. In this free training, I share five huge misconceptions in parenting strong-willed kids that inadvertently invite defiance for mistaken goals, they're using their behavior to meet and what to do about it. How to let judgment roll off your back and truly feel like the parent your kids need, and why what you're currently doing just isn't working and isn't going to anytime soon. So go to parenting wholeheartedly.com/unapologetic To access this exclusive free training immediately. That's parenting wholeheartedly.com/unapologetic The link will be in the show notes.
So how would you, in your own words, describe Wholeheartedly CALM?
Jaclyn 32:58
You think you're gonna do a parenting course and learn how to fix your kid. But in reality, you learn how to be a better person yourself, work on your issues. And then you can work on everything as a family together. And just kind of I don't know, it's very, like, you can reflect on things you can take the time to really think through and be intentional with what you're teaching your kids what you want as a family, like the family planning and just kind of the goals that you can set together. As a family is like something that we never did. We never sat down and had like, Okay, this is what we want our family to look like. I mean, we've probably had some conversations, but it really kind of forced us to do vision plan for our family and get on the same page as parents together. So we're not just okay, I'm doing this, you're doing this. It really helped us, I think have a better relationship and be able to parent better for ourselves. Or together.
Ryan 34:15
I don't think I could have said it any better.
Danielle Bettmann 34:20
So for for let's say it's someone's like second episode of the podcast. What's like the logistics? Like what's the setup? Like? Why? Why do it why how was it any different than, you know, an online course that you've done before?
Speaker 1 34:36
There were there were multiple components with where there were some you know, there was the booklet that we ended up having you bind it for us all nice and send it to us. So we'd like we had the the book homework that we did, there was also audio and video portions that we could listen to and watch. And that wasn't anything really new that we had done before with work. books and online courses. But I think what really helped us the most was having that Friday for our timezone afternoon time where we can meet with other parents in the course, which is something we didn't do and that and that was really great. And even thinking on that even farther, I think the real secret sauce of that was having people able to jump in at a different time. I think was it 11 weeks? I think it was. And so they were coming in a week one and there's other people there their week, their week two and four and nine like they're throughout this. So I think you did a great job Danielle, like being this facilitator, but then also, if someone's on week 10 about "hey, week 10 people, how what do you have to say about this thing going on in week one?" And so that was, I think that was really helpful for for us is that, especially the farther we got along in the course, after meeting with these people, week after week, when we were the the eight 9, 10, 11 week, people, we were the ones answering questions. And yes, you know, you definitely learn more by teaching than by receiving so putting us kind of in the driver's seat to help kind of parent other parents, I think really helped us in our parenting. And I think, you know, that was just a really great -
Jaclyn 36:18
we gained confidence, you know, too by that by being able to put into practice what we're learning and being able to verbalize and then reverberating teach that to other people were like, oh, yeah, okay, this makes sense. Exactly, we get it. And it maybe didn't sink in, like in the first week or two, you're like, I don't really know about this. But the further you got in and the further you've learned, and it all just builds on each other so nicely and so well, that it was like oh yeah, this makes sense why we learned this in week two. Now I'm reusing it in week nine, and it's building on to this and you just kind of kept circling back to those principles throughout the whole thing, which really helped us I think, really learn the information and put it to use better.
Danielle Bettmann 37:12
Was there anything that you remember learning from another family that was in it at some point
Jaclyn 37:18
I can't think of an example right now, can you? like I know we did...
Ryan 37:25
I can defintely think of one. I'll try not to get too many details with you what happens in the in the call stays on the call. But I remember there was there was another gentleman who was much like myself, is very kind of monotone, very relaxed and cool under pressure. And I think you all know who I'm talking about. And so there was something we were talking about it or probably you know, meeting me and your child's energy, right, our our child, she is just 100% all the time. And I love it. She brings so much joy and energy to the house. It's awesome. But it's also draining for someone who is more of an introvert like me and so she's yelling and screaming, there's something happened, right? And so, so here I am, okay, honey, you need to calm down, let's take a breath like that is doing nothing for her. And I remember this other parent, you know, and he would do the same thing to his child and those like I remember that I needed to to meet their energy. So that really stuck out with me of just me being calm and relaxed. Doesn't doesn't work and so so now I'm, you know, when I need to be high energy, you know, on the silly dad on the fun dad, I have you the typical claw and I'm doing silly voices, and I'm just kind of chasing her around. And so like, yeah, she she gets scream and cry all she wants until I pick her up over my head and start running to the house, you know, screaming as loud as she is making silly noises that on most of the time, you know, will turn things around immediately where if I'm just being the silly, wacky person, you know, that can kind of like if I meet her energy, then I can then bring her down back to Earth, let's say. So I remember that night. And I really appreciate that person, you know, mentioning that me being like we too and they're, you know, ahead of us. That was really nice to hear.
Danielle Bettmann 39:11
Yeah. And I think it's so valuable to be able to learn from other parents that are in it with you, as committed to the process as you with kids that have the same personality or is do and you know, not only feel normal and like you can be honest, but like, also get even better opportunities to learn that you can take notes on a question you didn't even think to ask yet or be able to gain a little nuggets of perspective or mantras or, you know, hacks that not even I'm sharing at all, you know, topically through the content, but just come up naturally by talking about bedtimes and talking, you know comparing thoughts on mealtimes and you're just you just like a sponge for like the first you know Boom, three quarters of the process. And then that's when you kind of start to put it all together, and others are calling on you for the same thing. And it really feels like the best way to learn is by teaching. And I know I think there was a couple of times where people were looking to you, Ryan and being like, Oh, wow, you're so wise. I'm sure. You're like, it's been eight weeks.
Ryan 40:23
Yeah, I don't know if I would call myself wise, but I appreciate other people feeling that way.
Danielle Bettmann 40:31
So, what other changes? Did you see like, and that's where we can kind of dive into? How did your thoughts start to change? What changes did you see in yourself or your relationship? Or your parenting or your daughter?
Ryan 40:46
Yeah, I think with, with the changes that we were seeing is, if I can maybe give away a little bit of the secret as like week one is take care of yourself. Right? It's just like, I think the example that was used if you're on an airplane, and I say loses pressure, yeah, what do they tell you to do? Put on your mask first, and then assist those around you if they need it. And I think that's something that we had never heard before that until week one, and we're like, "Oh, all right, we got 10 more weeks, and this let's go!" And, and so that's something that we had never heard before. Like if if you are not in the right place, the right mindset, and you're stressed about work or finances, or you know, whatever it could be giving yourself time, it's like if you need to take a walk or read a book, or go take a yoga class or something like, take time for yourself first because I'm you're so stressed and just so go go go all the time, you can't be a good parents. And I think that was me. We're week one, three days into it. Just kind of reading that and hearing it and I'm like, Okay, I think from there on, it was just, I immediately just need to learn to change my mindset. And it was definitely a journey, but it started there with take care of yourself first.
Jaclyn 42:00
Yeah, and I think for me, it was kind of like, going from that teaching perspective, classroom perspective of kids, I was kind of in this, you know, as a teacher, you have eight hours a day, you got to get this, this in this time, you got to do all this really, really quick. And so I was even, like, in that mindset, kind of, of, Okay, now we're gonna do this, now we're gonna do this. And now we're gonna do this and like, just kind of blowing through with different activities or whatever. And like not really just pausing to be silly, and like, I don't have time for this tantrum, you know, or whatever, I don't have time to be silly with you, like, we've got dinner to cook even like, you know, just the next thing in our day. And I think this class, and this course has really helped me to kind of like, slow down, do that self care piece, like Ryan talked about that was huge, taking care of myself and my needs first, but then also taking the time to be silly with her and just make that special time with her. And the one on one time with her was a big part of the course, too, of creating like that special time of just 10 to 15 minutes a day of just like, what do you need for me? And like it, you have my full attention? And what do you want to do? And kind of giving her that time and attention that she needs, especially with having a new sibling and all of that of like, okay, yeah, I guess I do need to give you some of that time just by yourself. And then in return, I also need to give your sister some of that time by herself. And so kind of alternating back and forth with that. And I guess since then, since the course we've noticed, a lot less tantrums a lot less transition, like craziness. I mean, they still happen. We're gonna be honest.
Danielle Bettmann 44:00
Be honest!
Jaclyn 44:02
They still happen. Just yesterday, it was like time for quiet time. And she was not having it. Yeah. again today, but today, we're doing this call and so she gets, you know, an iPad. So we don't have a screaming child in the background. Yeah, but it's part of parenting, Right? Real life here. Yes. So they still happen occasionally. But it's, we can leave the house now. I would say that's been probably the huge the biggest thing like we don't ever really have issues leaving the house anymore. Hallelujah. she's the prepping that you teach in the course is like been a huge game changer. And maybe part of it's just she's also getting older and understanding time and days of the weeks a little bit better. So we can be like, Okay, today is Thursday. On Thursday, we go to church and we mom volunteers and you go to kids club and like, whatever and then on Fridays we do swim lessons and like, whatever day it is, she's kind of Got that calendar down, she will ask every morning. Okay, what day is it today? Okay, today's Monday, what do we do on Mondays mom? like, and that's just kind of become a thing. And so now in the mornings, it's like, okay, well, this is what we have today, today we're going to park with friends, then we're going to, you know, go to the grocery store, and then we're gonna come home. And that has been just like, Oh, okay mom, great. Like, I get it. It's so so much of that front loading and prepping her of what our day is going to look like. I didn't really do that before. I feel like I had it all in my mind. I knew what we were gonna do. But I wasn't verbalizing that to her at the beginning of the day, I was like, she'll just do whatever I tell her to do next, right. And like, no, that's not how it works. So I think the front loading and the prep has been a huge game changer. And even doing like the checklist in the morning of like, okay, when we wake up, we go downstairs, we have breakfast, we brush our teeth, we get dressed, you know, and these are the things that we need to do to start our day. And just kind of putting those boundaries and those things into place. And kind and firm. That was always our advice for everything. Right, Ryan kind and firm. You probably have more to say about that, though.
Ryan 46:16
You said a great, yeah, just the whole, the whole kindness and firmness piece of it was a big game changer for, for me. And you're kind of getting back to what was mentioned before is like, if she's a big mindset that I had to change, whether she's on the floor, kicking and screaming, and you know, begging, banging her feet against the door and all that stuff, you know, because maybe she doesn't want to go to I mean, we're going to the park like it's super fun. There's dirt and you know, sunshine, like why would you not want
Danielle Bettmann 46:46
to go? What's not to love? Yeah,
Ryan 46:47
I know, right? Like, I want to go to the park, I have a meeting in 10 minutes. But it's like, when these times would happen. I would think, Okay, I'm a bad. She's a bad kid. And I had to change my mind, we'll get I'll get to that kind and firm. I had to change my mindset that you know what she's doing, she's not doing this because she's a bad kid, or I'm a bad Dad, like this behavior is communication. And once I learned that she's trying to communicate with me that I need to learn how to communicate with her where the kind and firm comes in, I'm going to give her kindness. But I'm also going to be firm like, "Honey, I know that you don't want to go to the park right now I know you don't want to have fun. I really want to have fun. But you know what? And so that's that's the kindness part. But there's also but you know what? Your Mom's leaving. And this is what's happening. You're going with mom to the park, and you're going to have an awesome time. What do you think you're going to do at the park? Do you think you have swingsets? There? Do you think there's been mud you can jump in? And so like being that that kindness and that firmness and just realizing she's trying to communicate with me, and I need to get down to communicate with her before the class? Yes, earlier and I don't want to give it away yet. I thought the class would be okay, here. So I'm gonna change her behavior. By the end of class it was how can I change my behavior? And changing my behavior? How the downstream effects of changing her behavior?
Danielle Bettmann 48:08
Yeah. Are you like permissive parents now? Like, you know, she still just gets to do whatever she wants. And you know, you just had to be told that you're, you have to fix yourself because you're bad parents. Like you like Where's where's that? Where's that line? Like? How did you treat your ego that was so loud before about like, oh, I can only know I'm a good parent, if I have control?
Ryan 48:31
That's a really good question. And no, we're definitely not permissive parents. But we're also not these crazy authoritative parents, either. It's definitely a scale. It's something that you know, I heard from when I was a kid and it was really bad at taking that advice is you know, kind of choosing your battles, right. So now we kind of get to choose our battles and like, what's important and what's not important and if it is something that's important, then we can do those things like okay, I need to be kind and firm. You can't go run in the street right? That's that's definitely a no go. Your mom needs to leave to go to the store. Okay, it's quiet time. You know, I'm really kind of firms like I know you don't want to sleep I know you think you're not tired. I think you're tired. But it's time for you to go in your quiet time and we call it quiet time intentionally for a reason especially now where she doesn't have to nap. But you know, you need an hour where you're in there you're playing with your toys or reading your books or looking at the pictures and the books and you just need your time and you know because also mom and dad and our tonic. Yeah as well and so as realizing that just kind of letting go of that ego and know and not letting her walk all over us but also not walking all over her either. And finding that balance and listening to that parenting voice of like, do I really care if the only deal away see engaged with green beans on a plate if she like picked them up to move them off of her plate? You know what to me? That's a win she Okay, she does not like green beans but you know what she at least pick Come up and engage with them. And I'm not going to be this authoritarian of like, you can't, you can't leave until you, you know, have your green beans or, you know, you're just gonna go to bed hungry if like he at least kind of engage with it. So like being kind Yeah, I put green beans on your plate. You know, like being that kind of that firm of like, Yeah, you don't have to eat your green beans, but they're gonna be on your plate. And if you don't want them on your plate, you have to move them off yourself.
Danielle Bettmann 50:23
Yeah, totally fair. That is a really hard line to balance as a parent being both of those things at the same time. And did like the examples and the way that you learned that and the way that you kind of process through that over the weeks, did it feel as restrictive, as you know, how we described it was before of learning from the book, and the book said, you know, so now I have to do it the way the book said, but even if it doesn't feel right, how did that change in how you learned through this process?
Jaclyn 50:59
I think the scripts were really great guides and like examples. And then it definitely felt like you could tweak it and make it your own and what would work for your family. And even having different language that other families used that was they shared was helpful as well. Like, I know, one of the things that you taught us in that class that we learned was like, this is a tool not a toy. Yeah. And that was like, that's a huge thing. And like, that's just such a simple thing. But it's like, Okay, we have this baby gate. This is a tool not a toy. You can't swing from this baby gate. You know,
Ryan 51:37
or opening the front door.
Jaclyn 51:40
Oh, the front door. Yeah, that's a big yeah, that's, that's about Yeah, now,
Ryan 51:43
she just wants to go and run it up in the front door and let anyone in if they're delivering a package or it's, you know, That's problematic. Yeah. Yeah, this is you do not get out the door without mom or dad. This is a tool? Not at all we say that. Yeah.
Danielle Bettmann 51:57
Yeah. And I think that's in the course, that was probably just came up through conversation. I know.
Jaclyn 52:02
I think that came up from the conversation. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I don't think it was actually like written material of the script. But that's what it was, like, really great to just like, have that language, and just kind of brainstorm different ideas and things that you can say, and how to talk and communicate and offering choices, I think was a big one and just playing and like being silly with it. I know, one of the things that was in there that I like to use now is train her shoes into, you know, an animal, like let's put them on your feet or something. And like, making objects, what did you call it? You had a name for it and a morphus? Yeah,
Danielle Bettmann 52:38
it's basically just impersonating inanimate objects. Yeah. Yeah.
Jaclyn 52:42
Yeah. And it was like and doing that now. It's like, it's a game changer. Just being fun and silly. With that, or saying, you know, do you want to wear the pink pants or the blue pants today? You got to wear pants, which ones do you want to wear, or just simple stuff like that, of trying to give her more choice. And I know, another big one is when we can, like play and let her be in charge. And let her take over. And like, you know, she loves Bluey (of course) So she'll be like, heavy, or, you know, are frozen is another big thing. She'll freeze us and we just freeze and like, so when we have the time to like, do those things with her and let her you know, heavy us or freeze us and then Unfreeze. Like, she just thinks it's the best thing in the world and so funny. And then when it's the time for us to do that kind of stuff, and take responsibility and be in charge. I think she's a little bit more willing and able, because she's like, okay, they listen to me, now I can listen to them. Kind of thing.
Danielle Bettmann 53:50
Yeah, it's more reciprocal. It's more mutual. Yeah, like, there's respect on both sides.
Jaclyn 53:53
Yeah.
Speaker 1 53:54
And something else kind of related that stood out to me in the class is, all the scripts were great, but I also really appreciated the time, this was usually during the audio portion. You said, "I put yourself in your child's brain, I'm gonna say some things to you," you know, and the one that really sticks out to me, because I was guilty of this, like, pick up your toys, I'm gonna throw them away. You know, as an adult, saying that the kids are might you know, like, yeah, I didn't think anything of it, but they're like, Oh, how would I? How would I feel if I'm two or three? What if, what if my dad came in here and said, you know, pick up all your tools, or I'm gonna throw them away? Like, Oh, that feels icky. I don't, I don't like that. And so being able to kind of change perspective and switch on that mindset. It really is like, again, this is me changing my behavior. Like if I can change how I approach things. Definitely, I definitely get better results, removing that kind of language from from what you're saying. Yeah.
Danielle Bettmann 54:49
So how does parenting feel now because you've been you've graduated for at least a month or so. So you know, like has Are you fully back off the train like that? Is there anything that still sticks with you? Do you feel like it was worth it? Like, what is that like now?
Ryan 55:06
Oh, definitely worth it. It's definitely having the accountability having everyone there, it is easier to to stay on the train as it were, I wouldn't say we've fallen completely off. But I know if we don't exercise that muscle it you know, it does tend to fatigue easier. But yeah, I think we're still everything is doing much better than it was. Nothing's perfect. Parenting is not perfect. But at least now, we have this is the most consistent, we've been for the longest amount of time, I would say and so we know how to communicate with with our children. They know, we know how to communicate with each other. And, you know, they know what to expect from us now. And, you know, the 10 tantrums, you know, a week, we still have a couple a week they still happen. But they're still I think, a lot of just like, at least how we how we approach them. You know, it's not the end of the world. Oh, no, he's crying. The day is ruined. It's like, okay, well, we're gonna get through this. And you know, what, in 20 minutes, we're still gonna go to the park.
Danielle Bettmann 56:09
Yeah, yeah. That feels totally different.
Jaclyn 56:12
I think there's been a few moments here more recently, it's kind of fitting that, you know, you reached out and I was like, Yeah, we should probably get back into our Wholeheartedly CALM material, again, because that's great about it is that we have the stuff and we can re listen to it whenever we want. So when I need a refresher, I need that reminder. Go back and listen to it. But overall, I will say it's been much better. I think not only just with, like Ryan said, the lack of, or the less tantrums and, you know, intense moments, but just, I think the house has been more calm. I think there's been more fun that we have. I think Ryan and I are even communicating better. Like it's not only helped us parent better, but it's helped us communicate better. I know, like in one of the calls that we shared in our group session, we did we copyrighted a new term for you, you Wholeheartedly CALM-ed me, right? You guys used it on me. We've used it for each other and like intense moments with us, like parenting or just like our relationship, like he can see like, Oh, she's getting stressed. So like, I'm the strong-willed one, she gets the behavior from me for sure. And so he can now see like, Oh, she's getting stressed, she's going up, up, up. I'm gonna, like meet her energy, or, you know, at least whereas before I feel like...
Danielle Bettmann 57:46
Kind and firm. Yeah.
Jaclyn 57:48
...he would just kind of be so even tone. And I'm like, how do you not see that this is a problem. And he would just be like, Oh, that's not and I'm like, but it is. And so now he can kind of use that energy thing with me like, Oh, okay. I see this. Mm hmm. Yeah, some of that same language of like, I see, you're getting upset? How can we solve this? How can I help you? And like, you've said that to me a few times, and it's like, been a game changer of my mood. And, like, what probably would have happened or led to like an argument or a fight with between us or something, then it's like, oh, okay, he is listening to me. And this is helpful. So it's like, not only just helped us with our kids, but it's helped us with each other. And hopefully, our kids will see that too, of how to, you know, interact and have a relationship and problem solve and they'll be able to use it between each other a sibling, you know, in future friendships, relationships, whatever they have, and going forward. So
Danielle Bettmann 58:52
yeah, and now you can tell why it works. Because you know, if that's how you feel when someone does it for you
Jaclyn 58:59
exactly.
Danielle Bettmann 59:00
Like, oh, yeah, like, I just really want to feel heard and understood. This is nice.
Jaclyn 59:05
Yes, exactly. So good.
Danielle Bettmann 59:08
What would you say to families that are what would you say to yourselves if you could go back and, you know, talk to yourself back in in January? What do you feel is like the takeaways or like the things like what are listeners really need to hear from you?
Jaclyn 59:27
Say, just do it. Just, I don't know. No hesitation, jump in. Make the commitment to yourself and to your kids and to your parenting partner if you have one and just kind of dive in and it's just so great to be surrounded by the community of other people going through the thick of it with you. We live in such an isolating time COVID aside I in pandemic aside, coming out of that, it's still just very isolated, we don't have the villages that we used to, I think, and it was really, really nice to just have the accountability, and the network of other parents going through it, and to just talk through it in a very safe space, very supportive space. I don't think I ever felt judged or anything, like any of the fears that you have going on in your mind, or the reasons of like, why I shouldn't do this, or whatever. Once we did it, it was like, all of that was just gone, it was all lifted. And it's just been so great. And I'm so thankful for you. And this, you know, course and our cohort that we were in there with, if you're gonna do listening-HI!, but I'm just very, very thankful. Just, it's been great. Just do it. Just do it. Nike, don't sue me for using your slogan.
No, yeah, I didn't pay her to say that.
Right? No, just join wholeheartedly CALM. There you go.
Ryan 1:01:13
I think if I if I were, if I were to piggyback off of that, I agree. I would also say if you are considering doing the course, you know, make sure that kind of another mantra that we had during the course is the "trust the process," right, I think a big problem that we had before the course as we're pulling from this book, and that book, and my grandma said at Thanksgiving, about like it just like we're kind of pulling it from all these sources of like, Forget everything else that you've read and heard and watched is like, trust the process, you're not gonna have all the answers in week one, you're not gonna have them all and week 11. You know, you just respect and trust the process, get through it, be willing to change yourself, you know, it's, it's parenting, it's not kid-ing, I think was was brought up in that class as well. You know, you're you're really working on yourself and working on yourself has the downstream effects to your children and your parenting partner, if you have one. So definitely be be willing to change after we've gone through this.
Danielle Bettmann 1:02:13
Yes, you said it better than I could. That's for sure. So, last question I have for you is Is there anything that feels more doable now, being on the on the other side of this? Like, you know, we love easier transitions, we love less meltdowns, we love, you know, better better relationships and communication, but like, what is what is more feasible now, like 10 years from now, what feels lighter, what like, big picture feels different?
Ryan 1:02:48
I think for for me, definitely just more confidence and just, I got this, I can do that, you know, we can do this, you know, we have we get we can raise both of these kids together and not have to worry about walking on eggshells and like, okay, am I gonna upset somebody and just having you know, the confidence to be able to be a parent, and then also just not have the dread of like, okay, what's gonna happen next, it's just okay, no matter what happens, that's going to happen, because, you know, I'm the parent and, but then also getting, getting to that in a kind, in that kind of way, as that whole kind and firm all over is like, I'm, I'm ready for whatever happens, because there's been so many times that she's surprised me of, like, hey, there's a problem. You're not let's say, You're not sharing, you know, okay, your sister wants to play with this toy, too. What can we do about this? She's like, I'm gonna put this up a toy. I'm like, great, go do that. And just in not having worked before, I'd be like, Okay, what's he gonna say? How am I going to, you know, keep her body slamming a six month old? What am I gonna do about this? And then now, it's just like, Okay, there's a problem. Let's get after it and find a solution for it. And I have been very surprised by what a three year old has said to solve some problems and just having that confidence to be able to intervene on something as a parent, and you're just not having dread. It's just I mean, Jacqueline's already said it. Just the the level of tension in the house has, like completely gone, but it's definitely, I will say, probably a normal level for parents. There's always some tension. I think, it's it's not this crazy walking on eggshells all the time. There's peace. There's this calm.
Jaclyn 1:04:35
I think for me, I am most excited about our relationships with our kids. And I mean, we have really good relationships with both of our parents now as adults. And I want that for our kids. I want them to see us as friends and, you know, 20 years from now they still want to come over to our house for Sunday night dinners or whatever it is. And so I think that starts now, that relationship piece that feeling safe feeling comfortable? Or even just 10 years from now when she's going to be 13 Ah, what teenagers ready for that, but I want her to be able to feel comfortable to come to me and talk to me about anything or Ryan, about anything that you know, she's going through. And so having that bond, that safety, that support and just being able to illustrate that, like, now in this parenting of like, okay, my parents are here, for me, they're my safe space, they are always gonna have my best interest. They care about what I'm feeling. They want to know how I'm feeling. They want to help me solve my problems, and just kind of listening to her now making her feel that she is valid and important and heard and listened. So that way, you know, 10 years from now, she'll still feel that that's my hope, some kind of, I think you had a podcast on that, where it was like, teacher, coach friend or something, the different stages.
Danielle Bettmann 1:06:18
Yeah, that was in the course too.
Jaclyn 1:06:20
Yeah. And I just like, so resonated with that, like, that's what I want, like, I want to get to that end zone of I'm friends with my kid. And so doing all those different steps to get there. That's my goal. Yeah.
Danielle Bettmann 1:06:34
Yeah. Do you have? Do you have peace of mind that you're on the right trajectory?
Jaclyn 1:06:38
I think so. I think so. Yeah.
Danielle Bettmann 1:06:41
Good. that's, that's everything. Because we can we can weather a lot of ups and downs on a roller coaster of a day in and of itself. If we have that trust that we're on the way, to where we want to be. And, you know, on the opposite side, we could die by a, you know, paper cut, if it feels like it's just one more thing in the wrong direction, and that we have no hope, you know, for where we're going as a family. So I think that that sums it up so much. And I'm so so so glad to have met you guys. I think you are phenomenal parents, you are truly I think an exception to the rule in being able to have that long term vision. So early on in your family's lives. Because you came in with a your oldest was a two year old. And that's not not where everybody was at in the group. Usually, there's some older siblings and things. So for you to have this toolkit, now at your kids ages is going to be such an asset going forward. And of course, you're going to have to keep going back to the basics. Of course, you're gonna have to keep exercising that muscle before it fatigues, but you have the tools and you have each other. And I'm just so proud of you for taking on this commitment and for seeing it all the way through and for being such amazing mentors to the other families that came behind you. And for being willing to share so openly and honestly, with with this platform. Again, I just thank you so much. It is such like the hugest compliment to me, of course, I promise you guys, I didn't pay them to say any of this. They did it all on their own.
Jaclyn 1:08:14
She didn't! And I I like I was like fangirling like, we get to be on her podcast. Like I've listened to this. You know, like I've listened to this for the last six, eight months now. I don't know. Yeah. Whenever I found it. Yeah. I've never been on the podcast before I was a little nervous. Thank you so much for having a did it and just for your course and your wisdom. And it's so great. Well,
Danielle Bettmann 1:08:43
Well thank you. We'll we will end it there. Technology worked with us and for us which we are thankful and I hope you will keep listening and we'll stay closely in touch.
Jaclyn 1:08:56
Sounds Good. Bye. Thank you.
Ryan 1:08:58
Thank you. Bye.
Danielle Bettmann 1:09:04
Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Failing Motherhood. Your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now and share it in your Instagram stories and tag me. If you're loving the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help more moms know they're not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood on a daily basis. And if you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong willed child, and invest in the support you need to make it happen. Schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on.
