Failing Potty Training. Help is on the way!

Are you on the never-ending potty training struggle bus?

I have good news and bad news. The bad news is there is NO one-size-fits-all way to potty train, especially if you have a strong-willed child.  The good news is there is critical insight you can learn today to make it 10X smoother!

After over 5,000 hours of research, my guest today, Allison Jandu created Potty Training Consultant where she has helped 7,000 families potty train. She's created a community where moms can come together without judgment, ask the hard questions, and get evidence-based facts that drive potty success.

IN THIS EPISODE, WE COVERED...

• Everything you need to know before you start
• Common pitfalls to avoid and misconceptions to debunk
• What to do if they're going #1 in the potty but not #2 

DON'T MISS-

• How to mitigate stress when your potty training has a deadline
• Why accidents can be a good thing and a mantra to cling to

// CONNECT WITH ALLISON JANDU //
pottytrainingconsultant.com
Instagram: @pottytrainingconsultant    

I believe in you + I'm cheering you on.
Come say hi!  I'm @parent_wholeheartedly on Insta.
Schedule your FREE Consultation: wholeheartedly.as.me/call

Support the show

*FREE* MASTERCLASS: Learn how to CONFIDENTLY parent your strong-willed child WITHOUT threats, bribes or giving in altogether so you can BREAK FREE of power struggles + guilt
www.parentingwholeheartedly.com/unapologetic

TRANSCRIPT

Allison Jandu 0:00
At the age that parents are beginning potty training, kids are starting to become more comfortable in their daily routine. And they really thrive on having predictability and schedules and knowing what to expect from day to day. And then, you know, you come in with this whole potty training thing and totally rocked their world basically. And you know, a lot of times that can cause some resistance that can cause some, some pushback, maybe a side of your child that you haven't seen yet. And it all has to do with the child kind of feeling like they're losing control of their their little world as they know it. And so if you think about it, from that standpoint, I think it kind of makes it all makes sense a little bit more. And if you know that going in, then it can lead you to be a bit more empathetic with your child as far as being able to understand what they're feeling and just being there to kind of support them emotionally through the process.

Danielle Bettmann 1:03
Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood, I mean? Have too much anxiety. Not enough patience. Too much yelling, not enough play. There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right. But this is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you. You feel like you're screwing everything up. And you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud. This podcast is for you. This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann. And each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real. Showing her insecurities for fears, your failures and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough. And you're not alone. I hope you pop in your buds somehow sneak away and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend. We're so glad you're here.

Hey, it's Danielle. I don't know about your house, but potty training rarely feels like cupcakes and rainbows. It's usually filled with stress, and lots of tears, mostly ours and lots of poop, mostly there's today on the podcast, I invited Alison Jan do the creator of potty training consultant. And then we asked her all the burning questions. She has compiled all the most evidence based insight and done all the legwork, so we don't have to think goodness. In this episode, I asked her among many other things. What do we need to know before starting the process that makes it go 10 times smoother? What do you recommend when daycare crunches the timeline? What about when they're going number one, but not number two? The hardest of the mall? And what about nighttime? Will they be wearing pull ups to their college dorm room. You will be so lucky if you get to listen to this before you're there yet. But if you're already in the weeds and need more troubleshooting, you now have Allison and her team we have just introduced you to so here's two days devoid of accidents and so much less stress on the way there. I can't wait for you to hear this episode. Let's dive in.

Welcome to Failing Motherhood. My name is Danielle Bettmann. And on today's episode, I'm joined by Allison Jandu. Welcome. And thank you so much for joining me today.

Allison Jandu 3:46
Yes, hi Danielle. No problem. Happy to be here. Good.

Danielle Bettmann 3:50
So I tracked you down from Instagram. Because potty training is obviously a big deal when you are in these years. And I know for me it was a thing. And for a lot of my clients, it's a thing. So I hadn't I'm surprised and three years of having this podcast, we haven't covered it. So I really hoped that you would be willing to share some expertise. And I'm so excited that you're here. So Introduce yourself just to my audience a little bit. Who are you and who's in your family?

Allison Jandu 4:19
Yeah, sure. So my name is Allison. I'm the owner and founder of Potty Training Consultant, where we have very proudly now worked with almost 7000 families to help them meet their potty training goals. So you're right. It's totally a thing. Yeah, so anybody out there struggling with potty training right now you're certainly not alone. Like that's why I'm able to have this business and to be successful with it. And it's been such a rewarding experience to be able to help so many people with what can be really challenging time in toddlerhood and I'm also a mom myself. So I've got two little ones. They are now seven and nine and married to my husband Raj. We live in Maryland. So I've definitely been down there in the motherhood trenches with all of you.

Danielle Bettmann 5:04
Yay, perfect. So that being said, it sounds like you already are one of us. But have you ever felt like you were failing motherhood at any point?

Allison Jandu 5:14
Like today? Or? I mean, yeah, gosh, all the time. I feel like you're always questioning, like, every, every decision that you make, and especially the the major ones as far as like, you know, how you're gonna manage certain things like, how you're going to balance your priorities and the things you want your kids to know, and what you don't want them to know. It's, there's so much that goes into motherhood that yes, at some point, I feel like on a daily basis, I feel like, I'm wondering if I'm doing this thing, right or not, or if I'm like, royally screwing up. But yeah, and especially being like a small business owner, and my kids are on like, summer break from school right now. So I'm trying to balance, you know, spending time with them as a mom, and also not letting the business stuff fall to the wayside. So I constantly feel like, you know, oh, my gosh, they spent way too much time on their tablet today, or, you know, I feel so bad when they just have to sit there and watch TV while I'm like in meetings or whatever. So, yeah, it's a constant struggle, for sure.

Danielle Bettmann 6:22
I am right there with you. Same struggle this summer.

Allison Jandu 6:24
Yeah. It's it's really hard to find that balance. And you know, at the end of the day, we love our kids. And we're doing all these things, ultimately, for the benefit of our family as a whole. So I don't think it's a failure. But in the moment, sometimes when you're like, okay, just watch one more show. I'll be right with you. It's like, you know, that doesn't feel the best. But yeah, it's a struggle, for sure.

Danielle Bettmann 6:50
Thanks for naming that. Because I'm sure you could easily. You look at anyone on Instagram and say, like, they've got the life I want. They got it all together.

Allison Jandu 6:59
Yes, exactly. And Instagrams not real, like, it's not real. I could speak to that, you know, 100%, I tried to show a lot of the real sides of life on my Instagram. My daughter has special needs. So she has type one diabetes, which is a minute to minute kind of management issue for us. So I tried to share a lot of that. So yeah, it's it's never all cupcakes and rainbows, for sure.

Danielle Bettmann 7:24
Yeah, no, absolutely. That's one of those things that it's more of a mental load, probably even more than a physical demand, because you're constantly going to be wondering how she doing and it can change, literally go into moment.

Allison Jandu 7:37
Exactly. Yep, moment to moment. And most of the time, it's not even like, anything within our control, because she's just she's growing. And you know, her stuff is all over the place. Sometimes it just leaves you guessing. But at the end of the day, all you can do is the best you can do. And

Danielle Bettmann 7:54
flog along from there. Yes, yes. Oh, we're all there with you. 100%. Thanks. So that leads us to potty train, did potty training come like supernaturally, cupcakes, rainbows, butterflies for your kids?

Allison Jandu 8:09
For my son, actually, it was quite smooth. I don't know about all cupcakes and rainbows. But yes, when I was potty training my son, I actually found myself really enjoying the experience. I thought it was really cool how proud he was of himself as he was like learning how to do these new things and just being by his side, and like seeing the gears turn and seeing things click into place as he was learning was just like such a cool, rewarding thing for me as a parent, and it's kind of one of those first steps into them finding their own independence, right? You know, it's kind of heartbreaking at the same time, because you're like, Oh, my little babies becoming an actual kid, and, and all those kinds of mixed emotions. But I found myself actually really enjoying the process.

And, you know, with my group of like, Mom, friends, they all had kids around the similar ages. And they were like, Well, what did you do? Like, how did you do it? You know, you made it look so easy. And I just started helping them with it. And I was like, this should really be like a thing because parents need help with, you know, navigating these more challenging milestones. And what you know, back when my son was potty training, whatever it was seven years ago now, there was very little reliable information out there about potty training and what worked and why it worked in those kinds of things. So that's when I kind of decided that I was going to focus on it and learn as much as I could about it so that I could be that reliable resource for parents and start helping them navigate this journey in one thing led to another and it's been so well received, and you know, it's just kind of blown up and it's been such a cool experience to go through building the business and seeing it grow, and being able to just help so many people It's been awesome, ya

Danielle Bettmann 10:01
know, I feel like it's still hard to find legit info or even like a resource that someone you know has used or something that feels proven, you know, as a technique, because it's all just feels like conspiracy and hearsay like, oh, well, this crazy thing works for that person's kids cousins, you know?

Allison Jandu 10:21
Actually, yes. And that's the thing too, is like, every child is so different. And I, you know, my kind of like, motto or whatever you want to call it is that there's no one size fits all way to potty train, there just isn't. And I think a lot of people are led to believe that you can find this one miracle cure to make potty training really easy or to knock it out within a weekend or whatever. And, you know, most of the time, it just doesn't exist. And in that can lead you to feel like you're failing even more when it doesn't click for your child within the first couple of days or whatever. And I want it to resignate that that's normal, you know, like, it's normal. It's a process. It's not like an event that happens. So if you're out there, and you're struggling with potty training, just know that it's kind of normal, it's kind of normal for it to be a bit of a struggle, because we all take time to learn new things, especially something so major like that for a toddler. Yeah, it

Danielle Bettmann 11:21
is major, we I think we downplay that, but it really is a huge change in their day to day life. So of course, it's gonna be a big change for everybody. And it's gonna take time. Are there any patterns or like common struggles? That, you know, families kind of need to work through that are really common and typical? Or like, what what do you typically see coming in that makes parents feel like they're failing?

Allison Jandu 11:46
Yeah, so I think a lot of times, it starts with having a bit of unrealistic expectations about you know, what the outcome should be, when the child should be hitting certain points, or, you know, making certain amounts of progress. And parents will be like, Well, I don't understand, because we had an amazing first two days. And now on the third day, He wants nothing to do with the potty. And I don't know what we've done wrong, but it's just totally backfiring. So that's kind of a common thing. And I think that stems from parents just not understanding that progress isn't always linear when it comes to potty training. So it's not like they're always building up and up and up. It's more of like a roller coaster, they're initially where they're going to have really good days, but they're going to have some bad days mixed in. And that's kind of a normal part of the learning process. So I think maybe trying to set some more clear expectations at the beginning for both your child and yourself as far as like what the outcome should be. And just giving yourself some more grace, because you shouldn't have to put a deadline on something that's so it's just so up in the air, because you never know how your child is going to receive the process until you've started it. Especially at the age that parents are beginning potty training, kids are starting to become more comfortable in their daily routine. And they really thrive on having predictability and schedules and knowing what to expect from day to day. And then, you know, you come in with this whole potty training thing and totally rocked their world basically. And you know, a lot of times that can cause some resistance that can cause some, some pushback, maybe a side of your child that you haven't seen yet. And it all has to do with the child kind of feeling like they're losing control of their their little world as they know it. And so if you think about it, from that standpoint, I think it kind of makes it all makes sense a little bit more. And if you know that going in, then it can lead you to be a bit more empathetic with your child as far as being able to understand what they're feeling, and just being there to kind of support them emotionally through the process. Because there is a lot of it that's emotional, along with the physical stuff that's happening to

Danielle Bettmann 14:15
Yeah, yeah, preparing your kids is a huge thing. So how can you speak to preparing families like themselves? You know, like, speak to the parents that haven't potty trained yet? What do they need to know before going in?

Allison Jandu 14:33
Yes, gosh, if I could get a hold of every parent as soon as they have kids and be like, please don't wait until your child is to start thinking about potty training. Like start thinking about it. I'm not saying do it, but start thinking about it from as early as you possibly can, because if you make it something that is normalized, and you know, it's just part of kind of daily conversation and the whole Home. And you know, maybe you have a small potty for your child, even if they're not using it yet, like they're getting exposure. And it's not some big scary change once the time comes for them to say goodbye to diapers and start using the potty instead. So start thinking about those things very early on, and you don't have to do a lot of work. But make it fun for kids, like read potty books together, like watch certain videos about using the potty on YouTube, try to drum up those conversations and like, spike their curiosity a little bit about the topic. So that way, you know, they're familiar with it. And the first time that they hear the word potty or see a potty isn't on the day that you decided to say goodbye to diapers, because can really kind of, you know, throw them for a loop. So definitely recommend doing those kind of planting the seed from a very young age with your child, and for parents to just to kind of start getting some education because like I said earlier, there's not necessarily a one size fits all thing that works for every single family. So think about your family's lifestyle, your beliefs, all those kinds of things, if you want to do it. If you're busy working parents, do you need to knock it out, like all or most of it all in a weekend? Or is it something that you'd prefer to do more gradually over the course of several months? There's a lot of things to think about. So I think if parents have kind of a general idea of like, Yeah, I think that that would work best for our family. That's what I want to try when the timing is right. It helps you to kind of mentally prepare to and get in the right mindspace about it. So that way, when you do start, you're probably holding yourself a little bit more accountable, you feel like you have more of a plan in place, and you're more likely to stick with it and see it through to the end.

Danielle Bettmann 16:51
That consistency is probably really based on the parents sense of control around the situation as well.

Allison Jandu 16:58
Yeah, definitely. And consistency is super important. Because you want to make sure that the child understands that you know that there's these new clear boundaries of what's happening. And it's not like okay, sometimes you're you're able to pee and poop in your diaper. But sometimes we want you to pee and poop on the potty. And that can be really confusing for a little kids. So yeah, so that consistency is everything. And if you're prepared as the parent as the teacher, as the coach going through the potty training process, you can help your child understand what those new expectations are so that they can build from that. And they can stay on track with things.

Danielle Bettmann 17:37
Yes, yes. Oh, that's huge. So do you find that there are like some myths that you have to like debunk along the way sometimes when you're working with families?

Allison Jandu 17:47
Quite a bit? Yeah. So the biggest one, I think that I hear the most is that girls are easier to potty train them boys. There's a little bit of, I think misconception there, as far as the terminology goes, because girls aren't necessarily easier to potty train. But they do tend to be ready to start potty training a little bit earlier. And they tend to kind of like Master the whole process a little bit more quickly. There have been certain research studies that show that but that doesn't necessarily mean that they're any easier to potty train them boys. Most kids, you know, around that age of potty training are pretty comparable when it comes to introducing those new skills and things like that. But yeah, don't think that you're in for a nightmare experience just because you have a boy. And then it's going to be way more difficult or whatever. Actually, my son was way easier to potty train than my daughter. So it's just it varies, you know, from child to child with personality.

Yeah, exactly. It's more of a personality thing, then it is like a gender thing. So definitely keep that in mind. And then there's some other misconceptions too. As far as I guess, just the best practices for potty training like a lot of methods and things like that will teach to take your child to sit on the potty at set time intervals during the initial part of the process, which can work for some kids, especially kids who have like autism or developmental delays or things like that, that really need a schedule in their daily routine but for neurotypical children, then usually it's best if you actually don't have any set prompting or schedules when it comes to using the potty so that they can really learn how to understand what it feels like when they have a full bladder. And you're not just happening to catch a pee on the potty because you know, you sat them down and at a specific time so it tends to speed up the process a little bit more if you just kind of let them listen to their body, even if it starts as an accident first. A lot of people are really scared to deal with accidents but But they're a huge part of the learning process. So just letting those accidents first start will really kind of speed up the process and help them understand that, okay, my bladder was full, it sends a signal to my brain that tells me that I need to go use the potty. And that's all part of the learning. So that's definitely something that can be kind of sped up if you aren't taking them to sit on the potty, like every 20 or 30 minutes when they might not actually need to go yet. So those are probably the two biggest ones that I've run into.

Danielle Bettmann 20:31
Oh, I'm sure that comes up with everyone. Yeah, it has,

Allison Jandu 20:34
basically, basically.

Danielle Bettmann 20:53
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And those are good reframes to because it gives you something to think instead. And a way to kind of process through those accidents and see the good side of it, see the progress and then have some heart that even though this is messy, it might be you know, helping speed up the process that can be really comforting when it feels like it's all chaos. Exactly,

Allison Jandu 23:45
yes. And I know like, trust me, I've been there. I know nobody likes dealing with the potty accidents. But if you try to think to yourself, you know, like take a deep breath. This is helping my child learn. Sometimes we run into into families with kids who instead of having accidents out of you know kind of anxiety or whatever they kind of just withhold altogether and they don't release pee or poop and they can become constipated in some severe cases give themselves UTIs because they're just holding it for so long because of the stress of not having a diaper anymore. And actually, those cases are so much more challenging and take so much longer for the child to finally adapt and learn how to use the potty than the kids who are just having constant accidents. So the accidents are are definitely an important part of the learning process. It's helping a child learn how to release without having something covering their bottom. It's just helping make all those connections between the feelings that their body is having and the action that they need to take afterwards. So the accidents are needed during the process. So that is

Danielle Bettmann 24:53
good to remember.

Allison Jandu 24:55
Unfortunately, it's just something it's just something you've kind of got to deal with.

Danielle Bettmann 24:59
Yeah, Ah, no, it's all I mean, a lot of what I work with my clients is like that underrated part of parenting, which is your mindset, which is, you know, the story you're telling yourself in the moment and the ways that you're kind of coping through things and the perspective you have. So that's a big part of potty training is having the right mindset and being able to watch for the right indicators and know what is good and what is not and what's to worry about and what's not. Yeah. So that's, that's really important to talk through. And I'm glad that you mentioned that. A lot of times when clients are bringing up potty training with me, it's because they are feeling the pressure from another environment, like, you know, their child is three, and they need to move up to another classroom or their two, and then you know, the three year old classroom, you have to be potty trained daycare, Sunday school, wherever, and then they feel the time crunch, and they feel the pressure and they don't feel like it's now you know, there's to decide, it's like, Will I need to get everybody on board? Or else? How do how do you help families work through those types of situations?

Allison Jandu 26:01
Yeah, sure, that can be really challenging, because, you know, anytime you throw a deadline on something that's stressful to begin with in the first place, it just adds to that stress factor. And, you know, it's, it's never ideal to go into potty training with that stress on your shoulders, because our kids are, they're already apprehensive probably about changing what they're used to, and starting to use the potty instead of using their diapers, which is like their comfort zone, and a lot of cases, and if we're feeling stressed about it, our kids are probably picking up on that stress. And it's making them feel kind of worried and nervous about the whole experience, too. So the best thing that I that I like to stress to parents is that if your child has gotten to a certain age, and all the other factors are aligning, once they're at around the age of two, two and a half or so, they are physiologically capable of potty training. So they have that aspect of it down most likely, unless there's some kind of you know, disability or something like that present. So it's okay, if the child isn't necessarily showing interest in the potty or, you know, they're not necessarily like jumping to try to use the potty or they're still kind of hanging on to their diapers, like, that's okay, that's still a very within a very normal realm of their development at that age. But it is okay for the parents to kind of step in and take the lead on the process. And it doesn't necessarily have to be stressful, it doesn't have to be something that feels like that you're forcing on them or anything like that, you can kind of start incorporating things in in fun ways to start getting them on board with the process. And then gradually build them up to within, say, a week or two, just be like, okay, buddy, listen, in three days, we're going to be saying goodbye to all your diapers. And giving them some advance notice first can help them feel like they're a little bit more in control of the situation. So and then helping them to feel involved. So take them to the store, let them choose a party that they like, let them pick out their new underwear that they're going to wear. Maybe some like fun, new decorations for the bathroom, things like that, to just really help them feel like yes, I have a say in this, this is something that my parents are doing with me, not to me. And it can be more of a positive experience and kind of help remove some of that stress from everyone. But the fact is, sometimes we just we do have to crank down and get it done within a certain time window. And as long as everyone that has a hand in caring for your child is on board with the process and knows kind of the general plan and can maintain that consistency. As far as the new expectations go for the child. Most of the time, it's fairly doable. And it doesn't have to be, you know, a super, like super stressful or terrible experience. So it can be done. I know it feels overwhelming in that moment where you're hearing from your daycare teacher, like, look, he can't move up until he's out of diapers and you're like panicking. Yes. Oh my god, what have I done? Why did I wait so long, it can always be started. And it never has to be like, it doesn't have to feel like crunch time. Like you can get a little plan in place. My online courses kind of outline like step by step of a very manageable, easy plan that you can do. So that it doesn't have to feel like something you're just forcing to kind of get down and get out of the way.

Danielle Bettmann 29:38
Yeah, because we know a lot of the people that listen to this podcast are my clients which are parents of strong-willed kids. And when you know we create a power struggle out of that moment, then we're gonna get a lot of resistance and pushback. Exactly. Just because, you know, this wasn't my idea type of thing, right? So what it's really important to get their engagement not only in the runway leading up to it, but the choices that can be involved in how to make it make apparently at least a little bit your idea of, you know, some of the things that they do have control over. So that's huge. Exactly. But I know probably a lot of a lot of listeners are also in that troubleshooting phase where they've started. And we're still having some issues. So the the troubleshooting aspect of things, what happens or what's going on if we have the number one down, but the number two is a struggle?

Allison Jandu 30:31
Yes. And that's probably, I would say that that's probably the the most common reason why parents reached out to me. So if you're living that, right now, it's a super common problem, you're definitely not alone in this. So rest assured that plenty of parents are out there during the same thing and going through the same the same issues. So my first suggestion always when there are challenges with pooping on the potty is to first check for and rule out or treat constipation, because a lot of times the resistance to pooping on the potty stems from either current ongoing constipation and you know, discomfort with pooping in general, or some memory of painful bowel movement in the past as a result of constipation. So, because when we take the diapers away, and we ask the child to poop in the potty instead of in their diaper, it's a hugely different sensation. And if there's any discomfort when they poop in the potty for the first time, as opposed to in their diapers, they're going to associate that pain with the potty itself. And that can be a really kind of challenging hurdle to help them kind of unbilled those feelings towards the potty, which obviously we know isn't true, but to them, in their reality, their perceived reality, like that's just what it is. So definitely want to take any steps needed to make it as easy as possible for them to poop physically. So whether that be adding in more fiber to their diet, sometimes it requires seeing a doctor and getting them on a stool softener of some sort, we just want to make sure that they don't have any challenges with getting the poop out physically, if it's easy for them to poop, it'll be easier for them to poop on the potty. So that's step number one always. And just because your child is pooping on what seems to be like a regular schedule doesn't necessarily mean that they're not constipated. So I would always definitely ask the doctor, just get their opinion on it before just assuming that oh, they can't possibly be constipated, because they're going regularly. So always want to evaluate for that first. And then the next thing that you can do is to, first of all understand that it's not a quick fix, there's no miracle cure to just flip a switch and get your child comfortable with pooping on the potty. Unfortunately, I wish there was. But you know, again, trying to have those realistic expectations, knowing that it's going to be a process, look for the smallest increments of progress possible and praise and celebrate those moments, where maybe they would only poop in the corner of their nursery in their diaper standing up. And you finally were able to convince them to poop standing up in the bathroom and their diaper. That's progress, okay, like, it's definitely not the end goal of what we want. But that's a big step in the right direction. So try to find any of those little moments that you can to celebrate and focus on, it's going to help not just your child, but it's going to help you kind of work through that process also. And then you also want to work on normalizing poop and pooping in general. A lot of times what happens especially like, I know from my generation, like it was kind of taboo to talk about poop and like, announce when you were going off to poop and you know, you definitely have to have the door closed in the bathroom, when you're pooping, nobody bother me. So kids can start to pick up on that stuff from a very, very young age and internalize it and kind of connect poop to being a negative thing or something that has like shame associated with it in some ways. So they want to keep it very private. So when you take away their diaper that's removing a whole layer of privacy of you know, what they were used to, they're used to being covered up, being able to go off wherever they feel comfortable going, hiding, you know, under the table or behind the door, whatever, to really maintain that privacy. So trying to talk about poop, realizing that it's a healthy process. It's something that we have to do to stay healthy. You know, encouraging kids to come into the bathroom with you when you're going kind of talking them through the process, just making sure that it's not something that you're saying like oh my god, no, poop is so dirty like just some of those words that we use can just create that negative connotation with pooping, so if they have a poop in their diaper instead of being like, oh my gosh, you don't want to poop in your diaper, it's so dirty, when you're changing their diaper just be like, Oh, wow, this was a really big poop, I bet your belly feels a lot better now after getting that out, and just trying to find little ways to twist it to make it positive for them. And then they'll feel more comfortable with the actual act of pooping, and then you'll be able to move on to transitioning them into pooping from in their diaper into the potty a little bit more easier. So it's a whole process. There's a lot of like mental prep and grooming and stuff like that, that needs to go on to get your child comfortable with the act of pooping in general, and then getting them to trying to convince them that it's okay to go on the potty. And then it's not a scary thing or anything like that. It can be kind of a long drawn out thing that I know weighs a lot on a lot of parents, but it's doable. It's just it can be a challenge for sure.

Danielle Bettmann 35:55
Yeah. And a lot of that I'm sure is our own perception of shame on us as parents that we can't get them to figure this out. Because, you know, we started this two months ago, and you know, all of our thoughts and form how we're reacting and the patients we have or don't have. And so that contributes to it's a family experience.

Allison Jandu 36:16
Totally as a family experience. Yes. Which makes it even even harder. I feel like Oh, totally, totally. And parents feel like it's, you know, it's just poop. It's such a natural thing. How can it be so challenging, but there's so many layers involved when you step back and really look at everything that your child could be thinking or feeling about the process, all the unknowns that surround them about that whole process? It kind of is a big deal for them? Yeah,

Danielle Bettmann 36:43
I feel like that's what you just did really well is be able to put light on their perspective and really see it in a different light than we do from like our 30 year old standpoint of like, you know, I've been doing this forever, get get on board and really seeing how big of a shift it is and how we can you know, really respect their side of the process? For sure. Yeah,

Allison Jandu 37:05
for sure us having that patience with them. And just bringing our calm to the situation, I feel like really goes a long way a lot of times, because if you're feeling overwhelmed, and anxious and stressed, like oh my gosh, why won't you just do this? And then your child's thinking, Well, you know, mommy's worried about it. So it must be scary to poop on the potty. Like, it's never our intention, obviously to transfer that those feelings on to our child, but a lot of times, even without us meaning to it can translate that way to them.

Danielle Bettmann 37:35
Yeah, no, totally. And the last thing I have to pick your brain on is daytime and nighttime do typically have different approaches or different timelines of what kind of expectations around nighttime in particular.

Allison Jandu 37:49
So nighttime dryness is typically the last phase of development when it comes to bladder control. And, and that's very normal. So it's normal for kids to take longer to master the nighttime aspect of things. But I also like to teach parents that you can still even if they're not able to stay dry necessarily the whole night, you can still help them learn how to respond to their cues from their body, and wake up and take themselves to the potty in the night if they need to. And typically eliminating the nighttime pull ups sooner, results in nighttime dryness sooner, just because they don't necessarily have that crutch to fall back on. And it just helps their body kind of speed up the process a little bit. And a lot of times actually, to be honest, what's happening is kids are holding their bladder most of the night or pretty much all night. And as soon as they start to stir or wake up first thing in the morning is when they're releasing their bladder. And that's going to give them a very full wet pull up, which is going to make you think oh, there's no possible way that they're ready for nighttime to sleep without a nighttime diaper just yet because their diaper still so full in the morning. So you know, there are some some little experiments that you can do to try to gauge their readiness when it comes to that try to sneak into their room and feel how what their diaper is about 20 minutes before they wake up. Try to gauge how soon after waking up, they need to use the potty again. And that can kind of tell you? Did they just go in the morning? Or were they actually peeing throughout the night. And that can try to help you determine if you know maybe we should give it a go and let them try to sleep without diapers. So typically, it's all mastered more quickly if you just say goodbye to all the diapers day and night from the very beginning, which I know is super scary for a lot of people. And that's not for everyone either. So of course we have to understand respect that different families have different opinions and different goals of things that they want to focus on. And that's totally fine too. Yeah.

Danielle Bettmann 39:48
Because it depends on your personality or your work situation and you know, all the other life that you have going on, which is important as well. So I'm glad that you mentioned though not only kind of the casting the vision of like what can be the most effective, but also knowing that every family and every kid is unique. So absolutely being able to balance that out. So valuable such important insight and so just needed so that we know we're not alone. And also there's hope.

Allison Jandu 40:16
Yes, there's always hope it's never too late to start, there's always hope you can always do it.

Danielle Bettmann 40:22
Yeah. Was there anything else that's like it typically that you want to share from a soapbox, when you get a chance that families need to hear?

Allison Jandu 40:29
Yes, the only thing that I like to always mention is because I know it's really easy to do. And I find myself falling into the same trap is comparing your experience to somebody else, potty training, as I think we've kind of identified as a very unique experience for every child, even between siblings, even between twins. So it's really important to try to not compare your child's experience to anyone else's, because it's their unique journey, and it's theirs, and maybe your neighbor's child potty trained at the same age in two days, and good for them. But you know, that's their journey, your journey is your own. And your normal is their own normal. And it's just something that I think we put way too much pressure on ourselves to try to meet these unrealistic expectations for and to just be more gentle on yourself and your child. And eventually, they are going to get there with your love and support. So that's just the main thing that I like to share.

Danielle Bettmann 41:32
Yes, they won't be in college and diapers.

Allison Jandu 41:36
No, they won't. Absolutely not. It might feel like it in the moment, but it definitely will not be.

Danielle Bettmann 41:42
And for families that you know, want to be able to have more support in this arena. Because they it's the season of figuring this out. And they you know that they deserve support? Because why should they have this all, you know, on their sore shoulders? How can they connect with you and your company?

Allison Jandu 41:57
Yeah, absolutely. My website is pottytrainingconsultant.com. And so you can reach out there if you'd like to have, you know, a phone consultation or one on one support. And then you can find my online courses there as well. So if you're looking for something that's more kind of self guided, you can opt for that route. And then I have a lot of free tips on my blog, and on my Instagram page, which is just at potty training consultants.

Danielle Bettmann 42:21
And we'll have all of that linked in the show notes. So thank you for pointing us in the right direction. And the last question I asked every guest that I have on is how are you the mom your kids need?

Allison Jandu 42:31
I just feel like I am their, their safe place to land, you know, their soft spot to fall. I just always try my best to show up and let them know that they're loved unconditionally, no matter what I feel like that's the most important job you can do as mom.

Danielle Bettmann 42:50
Yes. Oh, they're lucky to have you. Oh, thank you. Well, thanks again for letting us completely just like pick your brain and get all the all of our questions answered. But there's so many more. So this is only the beginning. But thank you again for your time today and for being a guest. We really appreciate it.

Allison Jandu 43:08
Yeah. Thanks for having me. It was great.

Danielle Bettmann 43:15
Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of Failing Motherhood. Your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now and share it in your Instagram stories and tag me. If you're loving the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help more moms know they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood on a daily basis. And if you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong willed child, and invest in the support you need to make it happen. Schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai