PRAISE VS. ENCOURAGEMENT
A RECAP
We know we should positively reinforce the behavior we want to see more of. We also know by obligation we must insist our child’s artwork is INSPIRED. They also repeatedly ask for us to “WATCH THIS!” 1,000,000 x/day. So, what do we SAY though that doesn’t create a people-pleaser, that’s only motivated by what other people think?
When kids are looking for our approval, attention, & commentary- they’re giving us an opportunity to wire their inner compass.
One way is to PRAISE, i.e....
“THAT’S SO AMAZING! YOU’RE SO SMART! I LOVE IT!”.
Praise is focused on OUR opinion- whether WE think something they did or said or are is good or bad, beautiful or ugly, pleasing or displeasing. Praise rewards conformity and encourages them to have a dependence on others and continue to crave outward acceptance and approval.
Instead, we can focus on ENCOURAGEMENT, i.e....
“YOU WORKED REALLY HARD ON THAT! THAT LOOKS LIKE IT TOOK A LOT OF TIME. HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?”
Encouragement recognizes effort, progress, improvement, and it’s effect on others. It encourages self-evaluation & self-confidence, teaching THEM how to think about the thing they did.
Yes, we ARE proud of them and yes, we DO think their art is beautiful. However, we want them to think that too!! So, we can work on focusing our attention to . . .
PRAISE THE DEED RATHER THAN THE DOER.
Describe what you see - “That’s an elaborate block tower!” “You used a lot of different colors on that page!” “You really love to show me your dance moves!”
Describe their effort- “You kept trying even when you got frustrated!” “You wanted to do it yourself and you did!”
Describe their progress- “That’s the highest number you’ve counted to yet!” “You’re working hard to learn all your colors!”
Describe the effect on others- “Your baby brother loves it when you make funny faces at him!” “It makes me feel loved when you give me kisses goodnight."
Show appreciation- “That really helps me out! Thank you!”
An important research study (Dweck & Mueller, 1998) showed kids who were praised for being intelligence fear failure and shy away from academic challenge, wanting to uphold their “smart” identity, even inflating their scores to others, taking failures more personally. However, kids who were praised for their effort, for enduring a “hard” exercise, jumped at the chance to challenge their skills and rise to the occasion, doing even better than the first time. Calling attention to their EFFORT cultivates a growth mindset, in which kids believe they can get smarter, and effort will make them smarter.
Ultimately, what our kids are asking us when they say “Watch this!” or “Look at my art, mommy!” is
“AM I WORTHY OF YOUR TIME & ATTENTION? DO I HAVE VALUE & CAN I ADD VALUE TO THIS WORLD?”
And we answer that best with eye contact, being present, and spending time in their world.
Saying “Good job!” doesn’t cause harm, but we can use that opportunity to wire their internal drive & ask them to form their own opinions about what they do and who they are & know that’s important too.
